Hate

 Hate is a strong word...I don't like to even use the word but tonight I find myself hating you. 

So about a month or so after you passed, I started hearing a lot of rumors...people were telling me things that they didn't know I didn't know...like your trips to charleston and shrimping...shit that I never knew happened. Within all these stories I was hearing, I heard the one where you were sleeping with a girl and giving her money...a drug addict. given the shit that happened with Ashley, and the many bitches before, I believed it but it wasn't definite...I couldn't be sure it was just a rumor. But tonight, I heard it again from a completely different person than the first person that told me and these two didn't know each other. So now, I know it's true...I feel disgusting all over again. Just like the other times. My SOUL feels dirty b/c of you.

I just don't get it. How could you sit there and watch someone go above and beyond to please you putting themselves last and you treat them like shit and crush their entire being? How do you sleep at night knowing that you are 100% responsible for a person's heartbreak? 

I took your necklace off tonight. The one with your ashes. They're dirty and I think my heart is past the point of forgiveness. It's to the point we just shut you off and we go on.

I hate myself for loving you. 

UGH

 Here I am, 11 months out and I am SO unbelievably emotionally damaged that I run people off before they even get to know me. This baggage that I have...I'm not sure how to get rid of it? How do I not let my past dictate my future? Sure, I know that not everybody is out to hurt me...but when I think about that I think about the fact that I'm sure he wasn't either, or how I thought the same thing about him. I didn't think he'd ever hurt me...boyyy was I wrong. 

I see men talking all this shit about independent women and making fun of the women that say that they don't need a man. Why get mad? Why not congratulate them just like you would one of your friends when you were proud of them. Some of us women don't get a choice to not be independent. Betchya didn't think about that tho, did you? I didn't get a choice...I had two little girls that depended on me. I was independent long before my last marriage.Then I trusted him to work with me thru life but that didn't happen but I was still responsible for my little girls. So I took care of bills b/c I knew they'd be paid. I didn't have to depend on someone else to carry me OR my children thru this life. That's my job and I got us. 

How do I let the pain go so I can start fresh? Do I just keep my guard up b/c people are assholes? Do I quit assuming everybody is out to use me and really doesn't give a fuck about me? B/C that's what I see...I am 100% ok with staying right by myself if I just keep finding people that don't give me good vibes. I'm just tired. 

Random Thoughts

I started this blog originally about an hour ago...instead of shit flowing out of me, I just sat here and watched the cursor blink on the screen. I have all these thoughts in my mind all jumbled up but they don't always come together when I'm able to sit and write. They just stay jumbled. 

You've been on my mind lately. The holidays were going to be hard, I already knew that going into them because let's face it, I've been here before. I know about the Thanksgiving or Christmas morning waking up without the person you've woken up next to for years. I know about the couples coming over and everybody being happy but you go home to an empty house, and you have an empty chair beside you, and you don't have anybody to kiss under the mistletoe. I know about all that b/c I've done it before. I've been here and I never in a million years thought I'd be back here experiencing the same shit.

Everything here is harder...I understand you so much more now tho. I understand your love/hate relationship you had with this place. I understand that it was hard being you in this family. I understand a little now why your mind was so fucked up...if I stay here, mine will be the same way. My children will be the same way and if there was one thing I could have changed about you, it was your upbringing b/c that's where it all started. I think I made so many excuses for you b/c I knew that you didn't know better on so many things. You SHOULD have...and you saw it all day every day around you elsewhere, but being here is so much different. This family is so much different. Your upbringing is so different...It's nothing like mine and while I am not saying mine was perfect, I AM saying that mine had love. Mine had an actual upbringing and not whatever happened within this family. Where your sister raised you so much that you thought your sister was your mom. Or how you could just go do whatever whenever and nothing be said. I'm sure you enjoyed it, but that's just not the way to raise children. 

Anyway, Thanksgiving was a shit show. At least the night before...and it's so fucking sad that alcohol has such a big spot in your lives and none of y'all can handle it. Thanksgiving day went better than expected given the events of the night before. But you know about that kinda shit huh? It was very reminiscent of you and Christmas before last when you chose to stay at the shop and get shitfaced, not giving two shits about your children and it being Christmas eve, then you come home falling into the doors, puking and being loud and belligerent. It's funny that you talked so much shit about your sister but you and her are just alike. You both lie so much that you don't even remember wtf you say. You create fantasy worlds in your own head and you picture a completely different life to people that don't know better. You both get what you want...In all honesty, I'm tired of my girls being around it. It's toxic and you and I both already saw the results of Madelyn's first few years of life when she stayed next door every day. She was becoming one of y'all and even you didn't like it...So, I have decided to change that. I have to move away from here...not to Florida, but away from this hill. Somewhere still close enough to visit, but somewhere far enough to have my own life away from here. Away from this. 

Momma is coming up Sunday and will be staying through Christmas. I'm hoping it'll be a little easier for me and the girls to get thru when we can wake up still in our own house, celebrating Christmas with another body here. It's not you, but it's another body which really was all you were most years. I hope that you are wherever you are, looking at your life and how you chose to live it and I hope that you see the way you were...I hope that whatever you come back as, you can make better choices knowing what this life was like. I hope you come back in a position to be able to make better choices. This isn't meant to be mean, I hope that I am able to do the same when my time comes. Look back and see all the places I went wrong and change it. I know I'm not perfect, by far am I perfect, but I am real and really only want the simple shit in life....the things that I deserve. Speaking of...let's talk about how fucked up it is that I'm having to date after all this time. I hate it. I hate tryin to find someone who can hold my attention. I hate that nobody understands that being a single parent is hard and time consuming...I hate that people are shallow. I hate that I hate my body. I hate that I know that I am a kick ass person but nobody wants to see past my body to get to know that person. I just fucking hate it. All of it. I shouldn't have to be doing this...and yes, i realize even if you were still here I would be dealing with this same shit b/c I already know we were getting divorced. It was just around the corner, wasn't it? I was done. You were done. But there was you drawing me back in and there was me holding onto that last little bit of hope. Hope that you'd change and we could finally get it right. Stupid me. 

Pissed

 Do you know how fucking angry I am? Not only at you for doing stupid shit, but at myself for being sad and missing you. Yes, I’m very aware that sounds horrible but holy fuck the shit we went thru. The shit you put me thru. Degrading me. Humiliating me. CONSUMING ME. I am pissed at myself that I got out of work today and went to grab my phone to text you to see what you wanted for dinner. Then I realized I can’t do that and I got sad as fuck. I looked at your pictures this morning and got sad as fuck. I hate that deep inside, I know I would have continued putting up with the bullshit until I mentally, physically and emotionally broke. A whole fucking breakdown and I know it would have happened because I was close so many times but then shit would go good for a minute then right back to the same shit. I HATE myself for loving you. For being your ride or die. For letting you take over my life and for not standing up for myself more. Then the other issue is I am so fucking sad that your life ended the way it did. No matter what, you deserved to be here. I would much rather you be here, even if we were no longer together, than this shit….wherever you are. There’s so much of my life that has changed since you been gone and so much has stayed the same. It’s still me making sure all the bills are paid. It’s still me making all the decisions for our children. It’s still me nurturing, loving and caring for our children. It’s really no different for them either other than having another body here. 

I hope wherever you are, your demons are gone. I really have forgiven you but I’m angry as fuck at you. I’m angry as fuck at me. Life could have been so different. 

Chapter 6 - Who I Am

 Do you see me down here? Do you see me kicking ass at doing what I need to do to keep going? It's not easy, being in a position to doubt yourself. I doubt all the decisions I make. My conscious fucks with me every day about me being at the place I am mentally. Like I should feel sad as fuck, right? I should be crying every day (I cry a LOT still) b/c I lost you, but instead I don't cry every day and I am not sad as fuck every day either. 

    Do you see me finding me? Going back to that bad bitch that I was when you came to me with nothing more than a basket full of clothes...I was a bad bitch then and I'm a bad bitch now b/c I'm not stopping. Sorrynotsorry. I'm not going to let YOUR decision fuck up the rest of my life and our girls' lives. I am going to show both of my girls that they CAN live without a man, but I also want them to know that they can WANT a man. My girls need to be self sufficient and right now they're both so spoiled, but we will learn as we grow...together. 

    Do you see how well we're doing? Our vibe? Our ENERGY that is just so strong we push out happiness to those around us? Do you see our smiles that we're all wearing? I almost lost my smile...even your sister said that tonight. She said she loves to see me smiling...you'd be proud of her. I know she's still Gina but you'd be proud of the strides she's making to be in a good place. I know you would even tho you'd call her names and talk about how much you hated her.

    It is so sad for me to say that I am in the best place I have ever been in my life. The best place mentally, spiritually, emotionally, physically. I don't WANT to be mad or sad. I don't WANT to cry. I want to smile. I want to feel loved. I want to love. I want to be the happiest (I mean I know that's stretching it a little), kindest most humble person. Everything about that to me is what love is. I forgave you, ya know. I had to. I could not start the healing process in my heart until I forgave you for everything you did while we were together. I know that I was not the easiest person to live with, I understand that, but I never ONCE cheated on you. Never did half the shit that you did...only thing I ever did was vent to my best friend which you just couldn't handle. But I forgave you. I forgive you. 

    I blamed myself for so long, and I even said it in the last blog I wrote. Why wasn't I enough for you?? But part of forgiving is trying to udnerstand why the person does what they do. I don't understand, probably not meant for me to understand, but I do know that I was not the problem. I was enough. I was PLENTY! Truthfully, YOU weren't enough for me. You weren't enough of a grown up to do what was right. You chose other ways to go about shit but that's ok. I forgive you. I love you so much, but not that part. Not the bad parts; but I forgive you. 

    THIS is who I am. ❤❤

Chapter 5 - The Aftermath

I've changed the title to this blog twice already...I may erase this one too and try over, idk yet. I'm sitting here again with all these jumbled thoughts in my head.

    I want to talk about where I'm at emotionally in my head right now tho. This shit is all over the place. Literally. It's not even just about missing you and then hating you...ok, I don't hate you. I'm really fucking angry at you but every part of me still loves you. But there are times when I am nowhere near ready to even think about any kind of encounter with another man. A part of me feels like I'll be cheating on you. Too bad we both didn't have those kinds of morals cause you sure didnt mind cheating on me, eh? But then there are days where a part of me wants sex. Dirty, angry, sex. Just sex. No emotions. No nothing...just GET. IT. IN. and be done and you go home (or I go home, whichever) That's the part of me that misses physical touch. The raw, passionate yet animalistic touch that I crave. THEN, there are days where I want everything that is unattainable. I want the man who looks at me like I'm the most beautiful woman in the room. The one that tells me he loves me every time he looks at me with his eyes. He never has to open his mouth and say it, b/c his eyes will tell me. I want the man who goes above and beyond to make me feel like I am everything he wants and needs...a man I can trust b/c whew, trusting you was a crap shot for sure. 

    I find it extremely unfair that I put so much into our marriage and you couldn't have cared less. I'm sure you loved me in your own way, but I was never enough for you. It wasn't enough that I was supporting us. It wasn't enough that you were able to live like you were single while I stayed home taking care of our children and our house. It wasn't enough that I worked 40+ hours a week, drove 10+ hours a week (strictly m-f) to and from work and getting the girls and dropping them off. That's not including any running back into town or detours I would have to make at any point. None of that was never enough for you. I will never say I wasted time but I sure did fight for nothing. 

    When I write these blogs, I just want you to know that I am not happy you died. I will never think I'm better off b/c you died...I didn't want that to happen. NO matter what, you were still my husband and you were the father to our children. Even if we weren't together, you still had these girls who loved you so much. When I say that I fought for nothing, it's me saying i fought for someone who didn't think I was enough to fight back for. You knew each time how to suck me right back into your arms. It never failed....a few tears, a few good nights and here I go, head over heels all over again. You knew what you were capable of doing to me, and you used my love for you to help you stay in my good graces. 

    I hate you, love you, miss you, want to touch you, want to kiss you. I want to scream at you. I want to call you names and I want you to tell me why the fuck I was never enough for you? Why you were ok with drawing me into you and loving you so hard when you never had good intentions. I have all these questions for you that I will never get answers to and that's fucking bullshit. 

Goodnight. 

Chapter 4 - Who am I?

 Who am I?

    When I first met you, I was strong, and independent, capable, sexy. I lost that over the years. I lost so much of who I was as an individual. I became Jason's wife, Kitty. I became Madelyn and Melissa's mom, Angela. But I didn't stay ME. I didn't know me. I never got the chance to be alone with ME and see who I was and reflect on the ways I had changed. I was always someone's something...just never....me. 

    I will never understand how two people could have so much in common but have so much shit that were total opposites....Ummm, I just had a thought while writing this...you are me. I am you. I WAS you before you...my last relationship, hell, several of them. I was you. I lied. I was sneaky. Shady AF. I just never berated people the way you berated me. That isn't even in me...but everything else, yeah, that was me. And I hate myself for that. For the things that I've done to people. I will always carry that with me and the people that I lost due to my selfishness and my ego.

    But with you, you were all that mattered. It didn't matter what I wanted, or needed, or dreamed of. I was more worried about doing everything in my willpower to make you happy. Towards the end of our time together, things started changing. With you moving out and in and out and in, I changed. I started becoming who I was before you. Back to that strong, independent and capable woman. I wasn't sexy yet, but that's coming. 😉 I would eat what you wanted to eat, I would go where you wanted to go (even tho we hardly ever did anything together)...I would sit back and let you run the show but just know this...the whole damn time I was cussin you out in my mind. There were days I hated you. I hate to even say that...but I did. I hated you. I hated the way you made me cry all the fucking time. The way you just didn't give a fuck or you'd get mad if I cried and you saw me. Then you'd feel bad (fake) to make me stop crying then you'd go right back to your angry self. I left you a MILLION TIMES....in my head. 

    Today has been a rough day (period time) so on top of just having a shitty "I miss you but I'm confused as fuck and this trauma bonding got me all fucked up" kind of day, I'm having extra super emotional hormones just complicate shit that much more. I cried this morning taking the girls to school. I cried b/c I am so pissed at you for choosing alcohol and all the shit you were doing over your family. This should have been the most important thing to you...even if you weren't in love with me any longer, you should have been making better choices for your children. You were so selfish. You cared about nobody but yourself and that's sad. I am so mad that you abandoned me and these children. You left me here to raise them solely on my own, even tho you weren't a hands on parent. 

    I bought hair dye tonight on the way home. I have professional pictures lined up for me and our daughters in two days. I needed some fresh dye. Guess what color I got? Yup, RED! The color you hated most. I stopped using it b/c you didn't like it...losing me again. Well today, I bought it b/c I wanted it. I put it in my hair the whole time thinking how pissed you'd be and wondering how long you'd go without talking to me (until you wanted sex) all b/c I dyed my hair. I already know we wouldn't be taking pictures together. Last time I asked you your response was "when you learn to act right"....whatever the fuck that meant. It wasn't me acting, baby, that was all you. Still not sure who knew the REAL Jason...I knew the Jason that talked shit about EVERYBODY. Everybody that you'd be out and about with talking to and hanging out with all the time with me clueless...everybody you'd be busy talking shit about me to!

   Well here comes ME. I'm coming back and it's not to spite you but there will be parts of me that think "ha ha! Take that!" while I'm steadily becoming!!