Do you know how fucking angry I am? Not only at you for doing stupid shit, but at myself for being sad and missing you. Yes, I’m very aware that sounds horrible but holy fuck the shit we went thru. The shit you put me thru. Degrading me. Humiliating me. CONSUMING ME. I am pissed at myself that I got out of work today and went to grab my phone to text you to see what you wanted for dinner. Then I realized I can’t do that and I got sad as fuck. I looked at your pictures this morning and got sad as fuck. I hate that deep inside, I know I would have continued putting up with the bullshit until I mentally, physically and emotionally broke. A whole fucking breakdown and I know it would have happened because I was close so many times but then shit would go good for a minute then right back to the same shit. I HATE myself for loving you. For being your ride or die. For letting you take over my life and for not standing up for myself more. Then the other issue is I am so fucking sad that your life ended the way it did. No matter what, you deserved to be here. I would much rather you be here, even if we were no longer together, than this shit….wherever you are. There’s so much of my life that has changed since you been gone and so much has stayed the same. It’s still me making sure all the bills are paid. It’s still me making all the decisions for our children. It’s still me nurturing, loving and caring for our children. It’s really no different for them either other than having another body here.
I hope wherever you are, your demons are gone. I really have forgiven you but I’m angry as fuck at you. I’m angry as fuck at me. Life could have been so different.
