Chapter 8...
I didn't think I'd be back here, writing more in this "non thrillogy"....but here I am.
Let me tell you what years of mental abuse has done to me. It has made me my worst critic, my worst enemy, and doubt myself in every single way possible...I love you, I will always love you, I loved you more than I loved myself through our entire relationship and marriage, and today at 45 years old, I am still so uncertain what is right and what is wrong in relationships.
We're coming up on 3 years since you've been gone. 3 years since I've been in a relationship or felt any feelings towards anybody else other than you. My heart was closed off...I was done. I wanted nothing from anybody other than to be left alone. I could not fathom getting into another relationship, although I was so lonely...I just didn't want the bullshit that came along with it. But that's not how it's supposed to be, and while I KNOW that, it's a whole different story to LIVE that.
The last 2 years or so, I've put my feelers out into the dating world. I downloaded a couple apps just to delete them right fast and in a hurry. Men are just shitty...they're all out for the same thing and it's not love. It's not a future that they're looking for. So that made me close off my heart even more b/c I'm used to being a wife. I'm used to being a fucking grown up and doing grown up things...booty calls isn't what I consider a grown up thing. I've talked to a couple people but never really had any type of feelings for any of them. Ironically tho, I've pushed them all away. Instead of going into a conversation about how awesome I am, I'm telling them all of my flaws...or what I feel are my flaws.
That's you...that's what YOU did. YOU made me feel like I'm not worthy of love. YOU made me feel like i have to explain myself to someone. YOU made me feel like I'm weird. YOU made me feel like people won't like or love me b/c of the way that I am...it is YOU. Yet something about me had you coming to me (although I couldn't make you a one woman man)...You damaged me so bad and you didn't even know it. Would you care? Nope, I already know the answer to that but in my mind, I'd like to think that you are wherever you are right now, regretting the way you treated me. the way you broke me down into the nothing that I had become.
To this day, I still hate that I love you.
