Chapter 12

 I took the girls to the mall yesterday...They haven't been to the mall in 8 years, since Melissa got her ears pierced the first time. You'd have thought they were walking in another planet with how they were taking everything in. The people, the stores, the smells...I remember going when I was young and how overwhelming but awesome it made me feel.

I told Melissa last night when I got home how they were lucky b/c when I was their age, i didn't get the brand name clothes like that, or the brand name shoes...definitely didn't get the expensive makeup or skin care...we were lucky if we got ANY makeup other than hand-me-downs. But she couldn't possibly understand, and probably wouldn't care....but he has no idea that if you were still alive, this probably wouldn't have been happening. How I get more help for them AFTER you're dead than I ever did while you were still alive. She couldn't possibly understand how I take pleasure in knowing that I alone am giving my girls the best life and childhood that I can give them.

They can't possibly understand how hard it is for me to not talk about that all the time, b/c I certainly think it! How you used to not help me do shit. How you used ot make me feel like shit. How everything I did, I revolved around you to make you happy or try to keep you happy....which I couldn't do b/c you were just an unhappy person. I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry your childhood was the way it was....but I'm NOT sorry that my children don't have to be subjected to that. As long as there's a breath in my body, I will protect them from that.

Chapter 11

 Well, it has been 1,928 days since you took your last breath. 5 years has went by so fast yet so slow. I still miss you, the good times. But then there's days like today when I really REALLY don't like you. 

1,928 days have come and gone...YEARS have come and gone...and the trauma you left me with is still there. There are so many things I don't understand, and I can't ask you, that fuck me up so much...Things that you've said to me...things you've done to me..still forever present in my daily life. Hating that part of you is hard to stop when there are so many of those shitty memories. You were toxic...we were toxic for each other. I wanted simplicity, stability, TRUST. I got none of that with you but I tried so hard to make it work. I kept telling myself that you were young, you'd grow out of the stage you were in. That never happened and truthfully, idk if it ever would have...you were spoiled. You grew up spoiled and you knew that somewhere, some stupid bitch would do your bidding whether it was me or not. 

"I married you to take care of me"...remember that bullshit you said? Well, FUCK YOU. I took are of YOU and neglected parts of my children and neglected 100% of myself! You used to tell me I needed a hobby, to get out and do something for me...but when is that? When your'e watching the kids? Cause every single time YOU watched them, they got hurt! Or you bitched about it. You were a walking contradiction and a huge hypocrite!