Here I am two and a half months after giving birth to my beautiful daughter, and every day is a struggle for me. If I put my symptoms on paper then people would say "oh, you have post partum" but see, I don't. I have feelings inside of me that nobody knows about, feelings that I cannot tell for fear of starting an argument with someone and people thinking I'm ungrateful. So, I'm going to write them here...
Let me explain that I'm a very jealous person, I always have been. I've been in relationships where I was cheated on so I know the signs...hell i've been the cheater in the relationship so it's like trying to bullshit a bullshitter, you just can't do it. So about a month or so ago I looked through my husband's phone and found some stuff there that broke me. It did something to me that I can't explain but when you see your husband visiting dating sites, that hurts. A lot. when you see emails your husband has sent people on craigslist trying to hook up, that completely breaks your insides apart and scrambles them all up and you're left feeling numb. Especially since you've found emails before for the same thing for craigslist and especially when you see that this has been going on the entire time you've been together/married. The thoughts that ran through my mind are some that can't be explained. I can tell you how and what I felt but for you to feel the pain I felt is near impossible. A part of me felt worthless...I felt used and utterly disrespected. I felt like nothing in my world made sense anymore and nothing in my marriage was real, other than on my part. I felt like the entire time I had been with my husband, it had been a lie. It was as if I was the only one in my relationship. To know that your husband doesn't get enough out of you, whether emotionally or sexually so he's looking elsewhere, that's something that makes you feel like you've been chewed up and spit out on the floor.
Every time he picks up his phone, all I see are those websites. All I see is him talking to someone on craigslist setting up a meeting time where he'll tell me he's working and he'll be meeting someone else. When he's at work and he doesn't answer me for hours when I text him, all I think is he's off with someone he met online, just like he did me. My heart aches every day and it's something I have to hide to keep going. I want my daughter to see a happy mommy, not someone who cries constantly and is in constant fear of her husband cheating on her. When I confronted my husband with my findings, he denied what he could then just simply said "I don't know" when questioned why he was looking at dating sites. He's swore he won't do it again because he loves me but my thought is this, if he loved me so much to not do it again then how come he didn't love me enough to not do it in the first place? When he set up accounts with these places, he wasn't thinking about his love for me. When he emailed people on craigslist, he wasn't thinking about his wife at home, he was thinking about getting away with being with someone else. When I was getting an ultrasound done on our daughter, he chose to stay home and that's when he was emailing people on craigslist...THAT HURT!
I wish he could understand how much he has hurt me. I don't want to argue about it and i don't want to keep bringing it up but he acts like it didn't happen. He acts like when I don't trust him that I'm just being a bitch, he forgets that HE is the reason I don't trust him. I've NEVER cheated on him. I don't even look at other guys b/c my heart is completely wrapped up in that man. I would do and I do do everything he asks me to do no matter what. The only thing I've ever asked for was honesty and loyalty, and I don't get either.
I just don't know what to do and each day I try so hard to hide my tears.
I'm so lost and broken. I feel like he has put his wife, his family on the back burner. I feel like we don't matter as much as we should, we are second best to someone else.
