Chapter 7

 One thing I have repeated within these letters to you and my senseless ramblings/blogs, is how complicated this grief is...Maybe not all grief, but THIS grief?? THIS grief, MY grief is complicated as fuck...and it's your fault!

I sat there in a room of maybe 15 people this past weekend at the grief camp that have lost loved ones recently. There were only a few who lost a spouse. I listened to their stories about who their spouse was, how much they were loved and great partners, how they were incredibly missed...and I was jealous? Not jealous b/c I dont miss you, b/c I do...but jealous b/c they had what they had and I had a man I fucking worshiped and he couldn't have cared any less. Jealous b/c they had beautiful love stories to share and what you left me with was a broken heart and stories of a whole other life that you lived that I knew nothing about. 

Today is October 25th, 2023. You left this earth on April 6, 2021 and you'd think by now that I'd have my mind figured the fuck out. You'd think that I wouldn't sit down some night and miss the fuck out of you. You'd think that I wouldn't STILL be so fucking angry at you for leaving but not b/c I think we would still be together, but b/c you left these girls with nothing. You left ME having to create an entire fantasy world of who you were as a father b/c they deserved a father who WAS that! You weren't that...you couldn't see past your own selfishness to see that your girls needed you and that all I ever wanted from you was a normal fucking life. You couldn't give ME that, but I held out hpe that you could offer that to our girls some day. But your drinking, your partying, your freedom was worth more than your family and it's ended the way it has. I hate you for that. I hate that you would up and leave not giving two fucks whether you told me or not or whether I wanted to do something...not giving two fucks about our children...or that I was tired...or that I needed to clean but couldn't with 2 children under my feet. "Go do something you love to do" you'd say, then as soon as I'm gone the kids get hurt. Or you don't feed them. Something that made me yet again feel as if I was a single married parent. 

I am still so fucking angry at you b/c you hurt me to my very fucking core so many times, and promised me you would not do it again and then I found out all the shit you were doing and lying straight to my face. A whole other life I was CLUELESS about...why? b/c I was here, holding this family together and taking care of OUR children right by myself. 

I'm still so fucking angry at you that I have ZERO help, even tho I bitch about not having help then I couldn't leave the girls with you in fear that you wouldn't watch them since you refused to come out of the bed to watch your children. 

I'm angry that I feel GUILTY for these feelings. 

I'm angry b/c I can't have a NORMAL fucking grieving journey...I sat in a room full of these people trying my damndest to come up with just five positive things about you that began with each letter of your name. Wanna know something? I couldn't think of anything! Judgemental, Assertive, Silly, Opinionated, Never a dull moment...that's what I could come up with. Others came up with Beautiful, Soulful, Happy, Loving and shit like that but me? Nah, I couldn't even think of one thing cause at the end, you were MISERABLE. You were a miserable person to be around. You made my life miserable. But still I stayed...Still I wanted you to walk in that door that night instead of rushing to a hospital to see you scraped up from head to toe with pipes and wires and metal poking out of you. 

I'm angry b/c I fucking love you and I don't think that will ever stop. 

I am hurt beyond repair. My heart is cold inside and I don't think I'll ever be able to love again.. 

I hurt and I'm angry b/c of you. 

Lonely

 I realized this past week that even tho I put on this big front that makes it look like I'm 100% content in life right now, that I am extremely lonely.

We (my lil girls and myself) went down to visit my mom and sister this past week in Florida. We stayed with my sister who is married and has a really fun and normal relationship...Watching her have a true partner really made me sad that I never really had that. In my first marriage, I was a young stay-at-home wife (got married at 18 and widowed at 26) so he did all the outside work stuff and I kept the home up...that was great and all but I still never felt like I had a true partner in life. My last marriage (he passed April 2023) was in no way a true partnership. We had two totally different lives (mine included being a parent and proper wife) and I never got any help at home or financially...most of the time it was just me. I was way in over my head making all the bills month to month. Sometimes he'd help, sometimes he wouldn't but we never had joint accounts on anything.

Being that we were staying down there during the week, my sister and brother-in-law had to work while we were down. My sister gets home first then my BIL comes in a few hours later. We were just sitting around when he got home and he came in, put all his stuff down and then sought out my sister to give her a kiss. I WANT THAT! There were times when my marriage was that...I'd meet him at the door or he'd come in, put his stuff down and come in the kitchen where I would be cooking and kiss me, patt me on the butt and talk about his day. Those days were few and far between tho...but those are the memories that make my heart happy. Those are the memories of him that I love to remember....I wish there were more of those than there are bad memories, but I'm sure I feel that way still b/c fo the trauma bond that I continue to have. The anger that I continue to have. The hurt I continue to have. One day, I hope to not feel that...just feel the numbness. I want to remember the good times, and that's it. Is that possible??

Anyway, the point of my post is; I'm lonely. That's it. I want a partner in my life. I want help with these girls, with a low tire light, someone I can call that I know will be right there when I need them. Someone to look forward to going home to...But I have this mentality that nobody will ever love me. People look at me and my body and find me gross or unattractive. They don't get to know who I am...what I am made of. The good, the quirky, the funny, the weird (lots of that!) the loving, the sweet, the sour...They just see the outside; the cover of the book.

Do I pray to find someone? Do I maninfest it? How do I even go about meeting someone when I don't go anywhere? I don't go anywhere b/c I'm fat and broken and don't like the heat. I don't go anywhere b/c I get annoyed extremely easy with people and my children that don't always know how to act in publicK. Dating apps are ridiculous. MEN are ridiculous and I really don't want to waste my time with someone who isn't interested in the same things I'm interested in. I'm too old for games.

Am I too old for love?