One thing I have repeated within these letters to you and my senseless ramblings/blogs, is how complicated this grief is...Maybe not all grief, but THIS grief?? THIS grief, MY grief is complicated as fuck...and it's your fault!
I sat there in a room of maybe 15 people this past weekend at the grief camp that have lost loved ones recently. There were only a few who lost a spouse. I listened to their stories about who their spouse was, how much they were loved and great partners, how they were incredibly missed...and I was jealous? Not jealous b/c I dont miss you, b/c I do...but jealous b/c they had what they had and I had a man I fucking worshiped and he couldn't have cared any less. Jealous b/c they had beautiful love stories to share and what you left me with was a broken heart and stories of a whole other life that you lived that I knew nothing about.
Today is October 25th, 2023. You left this earth on April 6, 2021 and you'd think by now that I'd have my mind figured the fuck out. You'd think that I wouldn't sit down some night and miss the fuck out of you. You'd think that I wouldn't STILL be so fucking angry at you for leaving but not b/c I think we would still be together, but b/c you left these girls with nothing. You left ME having to create an entire fantasy world of who you were as a father b/c they deserved a father who WAS that! You weren't that...you couldn't see past your own selfishness to see that your girls needed you and that all I ever wanted from you was a normal fucking life. You couldn't give ME that, but I held out hpe that you could offer that to our girls some day. But your drinking, your partying, your freedom was worth more than your family and it's ended the way it has. I hate you for that. I hate that you would up and leave not giving two fucks whether you told me or not or whether I wanted to do something...not giving two fucks about our children...or that I was tired...or that I needed to clean but couldn't with 2 children under my feet. "Go do something you love to do" you'd say, then as soon as I'm gone the kids get hurt. Or you don't feed them. Something that made me yet again feel as if I was a single married parent.
I am still so fucking angry at you b/c you hurt me to my very fucking core so many times, and promised me you would not do it again and then I found out all the shit you were doing and lying straight to my face. A whole other life I was CLUELESS about...why? b/c I was here, holding this family together and taking care of OUR children right by myself.
I'm still so fucking angry at you that I have ZERO help, even tho I bitch about not having help then I couldn't leave the girls with you in fear that you wouldn't watch them since you refused to come out of the bed to watch your children.
I'm angry that I feel GUILTY for these feelings.
I'm angry b/c I can't have a NORMAL fucking grieving journey...I sat in a room full of these people trying my damndest to come up with just five positive things about you that began with each letter of your name. Wanna know something? I couldn't think of anything! Judgemental, Assertive, Silly, Opinionated, Never a dull moment...that's what I could come up with. Others came up with Beautiful, Soulful, Happy, Loving and shit like that but me? Nah, I couldn't even think of one thing cause at the end, you were MISERABLE. You were a miserable person to be around. You made my life miserable. But still I stayed...Still I wanted you to walk in that door that night instead of rushing to a hospital to see you scraped up from head to toe with pipes and wires and metal poking out of you.
I'm angry b/c I fucking love you and I don't think that will ever stop.
I am hurt beyond repair. My heart is cold inside and I don't think I'll ever be able to love again..
I hurt and I'm angry b/c of you.
