I realized this past week that even tho I put on this big front that makes it look like I'm 100% content in life right now, that I am extremely lonely.
We (my lil girls and myself) went down to visit my mom and sister this past week in Florida. We stayed with my sister who is married and has a really fun and normal relationship...Watching her have a true partner really made me sad that I never really had that. In my first marriage, I was a young stay-at-home wife (got married at 18 and widowed at 26) so he did all the outside work stuff and I kept the home up...that was great and all but I still never felt like I had a true partner in life. My last marriage (he passed April 2023) was in no way a true partnership. We had two totally different lives (mine included being a parent and proper wife) and I never got any help at home or financially...most of the time it was just me. I was way in over my head making all the bills month to month. Sometimes he'd help, sometimes he wouldn't but we never had joint accounts on anything.
Being that we were staying down there during the week, my sister and brother-in-law had to work while we were down. My sister gets home first then my BIL comes in a few hours later. We were just sitting around when he got home and he came in, put all his stuff down and then sought out my sister to give her a kiss. I WANT THAT! There were times when my marriage was that...I'd meet him at the door or he'd come in, put his stuff down and come in the kitchen where I would be cooking and kiss me, patt me on the butt and talk about his day. Those days were few and far between tho...but those are the memories that make my heart happy. Those are the memories of him that I love to remember....I wish there were more of those than there are bad memories, but I'm sure I feel that way still b/c fo the trauma bond that I continue to have. The anger that I continue to have. The hurt I continue to have. One day, I hope to not feel that...just feel the numbness. I want to remember the good times, and that's it. Is that possible??
Anyway, the point of my post is; I'm lonely. That's it. I want a partner in my life. I want help with these girls, with a low tire light, someone I can call that I know will be right there when I need them. Someone to look forward to going home to...But I have this mentality that nobody will ever love me. People look at me and my body and find me gross or unattractive. They don't get to know who I am...what I am made of. The good, the quirky, the funny, the weird (lots of that!) the loving, the sweet, the sour...They just see the outside; the cover of the book.
Do I pray to find someone? Do I maninfest it? How do I even go about meeting someone when I don't go anywhere? I don't go anywhere b/c I'm fat and broken and don't like the heat. I don't go anywhere b/c I get annoyed extremely easy with people and my children that don't always know how to act in publicK. Dating apps are ridiculous. MEN are ridiculous and I really don't want to waste my time with someone who isn't interested in the same things I'm interested in. I'm too old for games.
Am I too old for love?
