Hate

 Hate is a strong word...I don't like to even use the word but tonight I find myself hating you. 

So about a month or so after you passed, I started hearing a lot of rumors...people were telling me things that they didn't know I didn't know...like your trips to charleston and shrimping...shit that I never knew happened. Within all these stories I was hearing, I heard the one where you were sleeping with a girl and giving her money...a drug addict. given the shit that happened with Ashley, and the many bitches before, I believed it but it wasn't definite...I couldn't be sure it was just a rumor. But tonight, I heard it again from a completely different person than the first person that told me and these two didn't know each other. So now, I know it's true...I feel disgusting all over again. Just like the other times. My SOUL feels dirty b/c of you.

I just don't get it. How could you sit there and watch someone go above and beyond to please you putting themselves last and you treat them like shit and crush their entire being? How do you sleep at night knowing that you are 100% responsible for a person's heartbreak? 

I took your necklace off tonight. The one with your ashes. They're dirty and I think my heart is past the point of forgiveness. It's to the point we just shut you off and we go on.

I hate myself for loving you. 

UGH

 Here I am, 11 months out and I am SO unbelievably emotionally damaged that I run people off before they even get to know me. This baggage that I have...I'm not sure how to get rid of it? How do I not let my past dictate my future? Sure, I know that not everybody is out to hurt me...but when I think about that I think about the fact that I'm sure he wasn't either, or how I thought the same thing about him. I didn't think he'd ever hurt me...boyyy was I wrong. 

I see men talking all this shit about independent women and making fun of the women that say that they don't need a man. Why get mad? Why not congratulate them just like you would one of your friends when you were proud of them. Some of us women don't get a choice to not be independent. Betchya didn't think about that tho, did you? I didn't get a choice...I had two little girls that depended on me. I was independent long before my last marriage.Then I trusted him to work with me thru life but that didn't happen but I was still responsible for my little girls. So I took care of bills b/c I knew they'd be paid. I didn't have to depend on someone else to carry me OR my children thru this life. That's my job and I got us. 

How do I let the pain go so I can start fresh? Do I just keep my guard up b/c people are assholes? Do I quit assuming everybody is out to use me and really doesn't give a fuck about me? B/C that's what I see...I am 100% ok with staying right by myself if I just keep finding people that don't give me good vibes. I'm just tired.