Hate

 Hate is a strong word...I don't like to even use the word but tonight I find myself hating you. 

So about a month or so after you passed, I started hearing a lot of rumors...people were telling me things that they didn't know I didn't know...like your trips to charleston and shrimping...shit that I never knew happened. Within all these stories I was hearing, I heard the one where you were sleeping with a girl and giving her money...a drug addict. given the shit that happened with Ashley, and the many bitches before, I believed it but it wasn't definite...I couldn't be sure it was just a rumor. But tonight, I heard it again from a completely different person than the first person that told me and these two didn't know each other. So now, I know it's true...I feel disgusting all over again. Just like the other times. My SOUL feels dirty b/c of you.

I just don't get it. How could you sit there and watch someone go above and beyond to please you putting themselves last and you treat them like shit and crush their entire being? How do you sleep at night knowing that you are 100% responsible for a person's heartbreak? 

I took your necklace off tonight. The one with your ashes. They're dirty and I think my heart is past the point of forgiveness. It's to the point we just shut you off and we go on.

I hate myself for loving you.