I took the girls to the mall yesterday...They haven't been to the mall in 8 years, since Melissa got her ears pierced the first time. You'd have thought they were walking in another planet with how they were taking everything in. The people, the stores, the smells...I remember going when I was young and how overwhelming but awesome it made me feel.
I told Melissa last night when I got home how they were lucky b/c when I was their age, i didn't get the brand name clothes like that, or the brand name shoes...definitely didn't get the expensive makeup or skin care...we were lucky if we got ANY makeup other than hand-me-downs. But she couldn't possibly understand, and probably wouldn't care....but he has no idea that if you were still alive, this probably wouldn't have been happening. How I get more help for them AFTER you're dead than I ever did while you were still alive. She couldn't possibly understand how I take pleasure in knowing that I alone am giving my girls the best life and childhood that I can give them.
They can't possibly understand how hard it is for me to not talk about that all the time, b/c I certainly think it! How you used to not help me do shit. How you used ot make me feel like shit. How everything I did, I revolved around you to make you happy or try to keep you happy....which I couldn't do b/c you were just an unhappy person. I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry your childhood was the way it was....but I'm NOT sorry that my children don't have to be subjected to that. As long as there's a breath in my body, I will protect them from that.
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