Random Thoughts

I started this blog originally about an hour ago...instead of shit flowing out of me, I just sat here and watched the cursor blink on the screen. I have all these thoughts in my mind all jumbled up but they don't always come together when I'm able to sit and write. They just stay jumbled. 

You've been on my mind lately. The holidays were going to be hard, I already knew that going into them because let's face it, I've been here before. I know about the Thanksgiving or Christmas morning waking up without the person you've woken up next to for years. I know about the couples coming over and everybody being happy but you go home to an empty house, and you have an empty chair beside you, and you don't have anybody to kiss under the mistletoe. I know about all that b/c I've done it before. I've been here and I never in a million years thought I'd be back here experiencing the same shit.

Everything here is harder...I understand you so much more now tho. I understand your love/hate relationship you had with this place. I understand that it was hard being you in this family. I understand a little now why your mind was so fucked up...if I stay here, mine will be the same way. My children will be the same way and if there was one thing I could have changed about you, it was your upbringing b/c that's where it all started. I think I made so many excuses for you b/c I knew that you didn't know better on so many things. You SHOULD have...and you saw it all day every day around you elsewhere, but being here is so much different. This family is so much different. Your upbringing is so different...It's nothing like mine and while I am not saying mine was perfect, I AM saying that mine had love. Mine had an actual upbringing and not whatever happened within this family. Where your sister raised you so much that you thought your sister was your mom. Or how you could just go do whatever whenever and nothing be said. I'm sure you enjoyed it, but that's just not the way to raise children. 

Anyway, Thanksgiving was a shit show. At least the night before...and it's so fucking sad that alcohol has such a big spot in your lives and none of y'all can handle it. Thanksgiving day went better than expected given the events of the night before. But you know about that kinda shit huh? It was very reminiscent of you and Christmas before last when you chose to stay at the shop and get shitfaced, not giving two shits about your children and it being Christmas eve, then you come home falling into the doors, puking and being loud and belligerent. It's funny that you talked so much shit about your sister but you and her are just alike. You both lie so much that you don't even remember wtf you say. You create fantasy worlds in your own head and you picture a completely different life to people that don't know better. You both get what you want...In all honesty, I'm tired of my girls being around it. It's toxic and you and I both already saw the results of Madelyn's first few years of life when she stayed next door every day. She was becoming one of y'all and even you didn't like it...So, I have decided to change that. I have to move away from here...not to Florida, but away from this hill. Somewhere still close enough to visit, but somewhere far enough to have my own life away from here. Away from this. 

Momma is coming up Sunday and will be staying through Christmas. I'm hoping it'll be a little easier for me and the girls to get thru when we can wake up still in our own house, celebrating Christmas with another body here. It's not you, but it's another body which really was all you were most years. I hope that you are wherever you are, looking at your life and how you chose to live it and I hope that you see the way you were...I hope that whatever you come back as, you can make better choices knowing what this life was like. I hope you come back in a position to be able to make better choices. This isn't meant to be mean, I hope that I am able to do the same when my time comes. Look back and see all the places I went wrong and change it. I know I'm not perfect, by far am I perfect, but I am real and really only want the simple shit in life....the things that I deserve. Speaking of...let's talk about how fucked up it is that I'm having to date after all this time. I hate it. I hate tryin to find someone who can hold my attention. I hate that nobody understands that being a single parent is hard and time consuming...I hate that people are shallow. I hate that I hate my body. I hate that I know that I am a kick ass person but nobody wants to see past my body to get to know that person. I just fucking hate it. All of it. I shouldn't have to be doing this...and yes, i realize even if you were still here I would be dealing with this same shit b/c I already know we were getting divorced. It was just around the corner, wasn't it? I was done. You were done. But there was you drawing me back in and there was me holding onto that last little bit of hope. Hope that you'd change and we could finally get it right. Stupid me.