Do you see me down here? Do you see me kicking ass at doing what I need to do to keep going? It's not easy, being in a position to doubt yourself. I doubt all the decisions I make. My conscious fucks with me every day about me being at the place I am mentally. Like I should feel sad as fuck, right? I should be crying every day (I cry a LOT still) b/c I lost you, but instead I don't cry every day and I am not sad as fuck every day either.
Do you see me finding me? Going back to that bad bitch that I was when you came to me with nothing more than a basket full of clothes...I was a bad bitch then and I'm a bad bitch now b/c I'm not stopping. Sorrynotsorry. I'm not going to let YOUR decision fuck up the rest of my life and our girls' lives. I am going to show both of my girls that they CAN live without a man, but I also want them to know that they can WANT a man. My girls need to be self sufficient and right now they're both so spoiled, but we will learn as we grow...together.
Do you see how well we're doing? Our vibe? Our ENERGY that is just so strong we push out happiness to those around us? Do you see our smiles that we're all wearing? I almost lost my smile...even your sister said that tonight. She said she loves to see me smiling...you'd be proud of her. I know she's still Gina but you'd be proud of the strides she's making to be in a good place. I know you would even tho you'd call her names and talk about how much you hated her.
It is so sad for me to say that I am in the best place I have ever been in my life. The best place mentally, spiritually, emotionally, physically. I don't WANT to be mad or sad. I don't WANT to cry. I want to smile. I want to feel loved. I want to love. I want to be the happiest (I mean I know that's stretching it a little), kindest most humble person. Everything about that to me is what love is. I forgave you, ya know. I had to. I could not start the healing process in my heart until I forgave you for everything you did while we were together. I know that I was not the easiest person to live with, I understand that, but I never ONCE cheated on you. Never did half the shit that you did...only thing I ever did was vent to my best friend which you just couldn't handle. But I forgave you. I forgive you.
I blamed myself for so long, and I even said it in the last blog I wrote. Why wasn't I enough for you?? But part of forgiving is trying to udnerstand why the person does what they do. I don't understand, probably not meant for me to understand, but I do know that I was not the problem. I was enough. I was PLENTY! Truthfully, YOU weren't enough for me. You weren't enough of a grown up to do what was right. You chose other ways to go about shit but that's ok. I forgive you. I love you so much, but not that part. Not the bad parts; but I forgive you.
THIS is who I am. ❤❤
No comments:
Post a Comment