Chapter 9

 Idk if this should be another chapter or a whole different entry all together. But I have something to say...

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME???? 

I can't f

Almost every single dream I dream about you, it's painful. It's crying and heartbreak and messy and it fucks up my entire day. I never win in my dreams of you. You're always walking away from us, our life, and it breaks me every. single. fucking. time. 

Are you trying to tell me something? Are you trying to get back at me b/c of the things I'm saying about you, which is MY truth? Is this just the trauma not knowing how to process shit still? Is this b/c I never got to say goodbye or fuck you or have closure? I. DON'T. UNDERSTAND. 

I'm tired of crying. So very tired. I'm tired of doubting myself and that's not even really your fault. I'm tired of wanting to open my heart back up and find someone and be broken all over again when it's no better. I'm tired of being a single parent. I'm tired of having the burden solely on my shoulders. 

I'm tired of loving you and hating you all in the same breath. I know I've talked about this before, but mannnn is this shit complicated. I love you then I get mad at myself for loving you then I get mad at myself for getting mad at myself for loving you. See the fucked up pattern here? Imagine being in my head. I started therapy but he's not even touching what needs fixed...idk if what needs fixed CAN even be fixed. It's broken. I'm broken. 

4 years. in 3 days it'll be 4 years since I ran up into that hallway and saw them working on you. 4 years since my life changed...AGAIN. Idk where we'd be had you survived, but I would like to think that I would feel much better after I told you FUCK YOU for all the fucking pain you caused in my heart. Maybe I'd feel better if people saw the REAL you instead of thinking you were some fucking saint. Maybe we'd be happier than ever and you'd have decided to grow up and become a man and father instead of whatever you wanted to call yourself. 

I can't forget you. But you gotta quit coming to me in my dreams unless you're bringing me happiness in there. I just can't keep feeling my heart break over and over. 

Chapter 8

 Chapter 8...

I didn't think I'd be back here, writing more in this "non thrillogy"....but here I am.

Let me tell you what years of mental abuse has done to me. It has made me my worst critic, my worst enemy, and doubt myself in every single way possible...I love you, I will always love you, I loved you more than I loved myself through our entire relationship and marriage, and today at 45 years old, I am still so uncertain what is right and what is wrong in relationships. 

We're coming up on 3 years since you've been gone. 3 years since I've been in a relationship or felt any feelings towards anybody else other than you. My heart was closed off...I was done. I wanted nothing from anybody other than to be left alone. I could not fathom getting into another relationship, although I was so lonely...I just didn't want the bullshit that came along with it. But that's not how it's supposed to be, and while I KNOW that, it's a whole different story to LIVE that. 

The last 2 years or so, I've put my feelers out into the dating world. I downloaded a couple apps just to delete them right fast and in a hurry. Men are just shitty...they're all out for the same thing and it's not love. It's not a future that they're looking for. So that made me close off my heart even more b/c I'm used to being a wife. I'm used to being a fucking grown up and doing grown up things...booty calls isn't what I consider a grown up thing. I've talked to a couple people but never really had any type of feelings for any of them. Ironically tho, I've pushed them all away. Instead of going into a conversation about how awesome I am, I'm telling them all of my flaws...or what I feel are my flaws. 

That's you...that's what YOU did. YOU made me feel like I'm not worthy of love. YOU made me feel like i have to explain myself to someone. YOU made me feel like I'm weird. YOU made me feel like people won't like or love me b/c of the way that I am...it is YOU. Yet something about me had you coming to me (although I couldn't make you a one woman man)...You damaged me so bad and you didn't even know it. Would you care? Nope, I already know the answer to that but in my mind, I'd like to think that you are wherever you are right now, regretting the way you treated me. the way you broke me down into the nothing that I had become. 

To this day, I still hate that I love you. 

Chapter 7

 One thing I have repeated within these letters to you and my senseless ramblings/blogs, is how complicated this grief is...Maybe not all grief, but THIS grief?? THIS grief, MY grief is complicated as fuck...and it's your fault!

I sat there in a room of maybe 15 people this past weekend at the grief camp that have lost loved ones recently. There were only a few who lost a spouse. I listened to their stories about who their spouse was, how much they were loved and great partners, how they were incredibly missed...and I was jealous? Not jealous b/c I dont miss you, b/c I do...but jealous b/c they had what they had and I had a man I fucking worshiped and he couldn't have cared any less. Jealous b/c they had beautiful love stories to share and what you left me with was a broken heart and stories of a whole other life that you lived that I knew nothing about. 

Today is October 25th, 2023. You left this earth on April 6, 2021 and you'd think by now that I'd have my mind figured the fuck out. You'd think that I wouldn't sit down some night and miss the fuck out of you. You'd think that I wouldn't STILL be so fucking angry at you for leaving but not b/c I think we would still be together, but b/c you left these girls with nothing. You left ME having to create an entire fantasy world of who you were as a father b/c they deserved a father who WAS that! You weren't that...you couldn't see past your own selfishness to see that your girls needed you and that all I ever wanted from you was a normal fucking life. You couldn't give ME that, but I held out hpe that you could offer that to our girls some day. But your drinking, your partying, your freedom was worth more than your family and it's ended the way it has. I hate you for that. I hate that you would up and leave not giving two fucks whether you told me or not or whether I wanted to do something...not giving two fucks about our children...or that I was tired...or that I needed to clean but couldn't with 2 children under my feet. "Go do something you love to do" you'd say, then as soon as I'm gone the kids get hurt. Or you don't feed them. Something that made me yet again feel as if I was a single married parent. 

I am still so fucking angry at you b/c you hurt me to my very fucking core so many times, and promised me you would not do it again and then I found out all the shit you were doing and lying straight to my face. A whole other life I was CLUELESS about...why? b/c I was here, holding this family together and taking care of OUR children right by myself. 

I'm still so fucking angry at you that I have ZERO help, even tho I bitch about not having help then I couldn't leave the girls with you in fear that you wouldn't watch them since you refused to come out of the bed to watch your children. 

I'm angry that I feel GUILTY for these feelings. 

I'm angry b/c I can't have a NORMAL fucking grieving journey...I sat in a room full of these people trying my damndest to come up with just five positive things about you that began with each letter of your name. Wanna know something? I couldn't think of anything! Judgemental, Assertive, Silly, Opinionated, Never a dull moment...that's what I could come up with. Others came up with Beautiful, Soulful, Happy, Loving and shit like that but me? Nah, I couldn't even think of one thing cause at the end, you were MISERABLE. You were a miserable person to be around. You made my life miserable. But still I stayed...Still I wanted you to walk in that door that night instead of rushing to a hospital to see you scraped up from head to toe with pipes and wires and metal poking out of you. 

I'm angry b/c I fucking love you and I don't think that will ever stop. 

I am hurt beyond repair. My heart is cold inside and I don't think I'll ever be able to love again.. 

I hurt and I'm angry b/c of you. 

Lonely

 I realized this past week that even tho I put on this big front that makes it look like I'm 100% content in life right now, that I am extremely lonely.

We (my lil girls and myself) went down to visit my mom and sister this past week in Florida. We stayed with my sister who is married and has a really fun and normal relationship...Watching her have a true partner really made me sad that I never really had that. In my first marriage, I was a young stay-at-home wife (got married at 18 and widowed at 26) so he did all the outside work stuff and I kept the home up...that was great and all but I still never felt like I had a true partner in life. My last marriage (he passed April 2023) was in no way a true partnership. We had two totally different lives (mine included being a parent and proper wife) and I never got any help at home or financially...most of the time it was just me. I was way in over my head making all the bills month to month. Sometimes he'd help, sometimes he wouldn't but we never had joint accounts on anything.

Being that we were staying down there during the week, my sister and brother-in-law had to work while we were down. My sister gets home first then my BIL comes in a few hours later. We were just sitting around when he got home and he came in, put all his stuff down and then sought out my sister to give her a kiss. I WANT THAT! There were times when my marriage was that...I'd meet him at the door or he'd come in, put his stuff down and come in the kitchen where I would be cooking and kiss me, patt me on the butt and talk about his day. Those days were few and far between tho...but those are the memories that make my heart happy. Those are the memories of him that I love to remember....I wish there were more of those than there are bad memories, but I'm sure I feel that way still b/c fo the trauma bond that I continue to have. The anger that I continue to have. The hurt I continue to have. One day, I hope to not feel that...just feel the numbness. I want to remember the good times, and that's it. Is that possible??

Anyway, the point of my post is; I'm lonely. That's it. I want a partner in my life. I want help with these girls, with a low tire light, someone I can call that I know will be right there when I need them. Someone to look forward to going home to...But I have this mentality that nobody will ever love me. People look at me and my body and find me gross or unattractive. They don't get to know who I am...what I am made of. The good, the quirky, the funny, the weird (lots of that!) the loving, the sweet, the sour...They just see the outside; the cover of the book.

Do I pray to find someone? Do I maninfest it? How do I even go about meeting someone when I don't go anywhere? I don't go anywhere b/c I'm fat and broken and don't like the heat. I don't go anywhere b/c I get annoyed extremely easy with people and my children that don't always know how to act in publicK. Dating apps are ridiculous. MEN are ridiculous and I really don't want to waste my time with someone who isn't interested in the same things I'm interested in. I'm too old for games.

Am I too old for love?

Hate

 Hate is a strong word...I don't like to even use the word but tonight I find myself hating you. 

So about a month or so after you passed, I started hearing a lot of rumors...people were telling me things that they didn't know I didn't know...like your trips to charleston and shrimping...shit that I never knew happened. Within all these stories I was hearing, I heard the one where you were sleeping with a girl and giving her money...a drug addict. given the shit that happened with Ashley, and the many bitches before, I believed it but it wasn't definite...I couldn't be sure it was just a rumor. But tonight, I heard it again from a completely different person than the first person that told me and these two didn't know each other. So now, I know it's true...I feel disgusting all over again. Just like the other times. My SOUL feels dirty b/c of you.

I just don't get it. How could you sit there and watch someone go above and beyond to please you putting themselves last and you treat them like shit and crush their entire being? How do you sleep at night knowing that you are 100% responsible for a person's heartbreak? 

I took your necklace off tonight. The one with your ashes. They're dirty and I think my heart is past the point of forgiveness. It's to the point we just shut you off and we go on.

I hate myself for loving you. 

UGH

 Here I am, 11 months out and I am SO unbelievably emotionally damaged that I run people off before they even get to know me. This baggage that I have...I'm not sure how to get rid of it? How do I not let my past dictate my future? Sure, I know that not everybody is out to hurt me...but when I think about that I think about the fact that I'm sure he wasn't either, or how I thought the same thing about him. I didn't think he'd ever hurt me...boyyy was I wrong. 

I see men talking all this shit about independent women and making fun of the women that say that they don't need a man. Why get mad? Why not congratulate them just like you would one of your friends when you were proud of them. Some of us women don't get a choice to not be independent. Betchya didn't think about that tho, did you? I didn't get a choice...I had two little girls that depended on me. I was independent long before my last marriage.Then I trusted him to work with me thru life but that didn't happen but I was still responsible for my little girls. So I took care of bills b/c I knew they'd be paid. I didn't have to depend on someone else to carry me OR my children thru this life. That's my job and I got us. 

How do I let the pain go so I can start fresh? Do I just keep my guard up b/c people are assholes? Do I quit assuming everybody is out to use me and really doesn't give a fuck about me? B/C that's what I see...I am 100% ok with staying right by myself if I just keep finding people that don't give me good vibes. I'm just tired. 

Random Thoughts

I started this blog originally about an hour ago...instead of shit flowing out of me, I just sat here and watched the cursor blink on the screen. I have all these thoughts in my mind all jumbled up but they don't always come together when I'm able to sit and write. They just stay jumbled. 

You've been on my mind lately. The holidays were going to be hard, I already knew that going into them because let's face it, I've been here before. I know about the Thanksgiving or Christmas morning waking up without the person you've woken up next to for years. I know about the couples coming over and everybody being happy but you go home to an empty house, and you have an empty chair beside you, and you don't have anybody to kiss under the mistletoe. I know about all that b/c I've done it before. I've been here and I never in a million years thought I'd be back here experiencing the same shit.

Everything here is harder...I understand you so much more now tho. I understand your love/hate relationship you had with this place. I understand that it was hard being you in this family. I understand a little now why your mind was so fucked up...if I stay here, mine will be the same way. My children will be the same way and if there was one thing I could have changed about you, it was your upbringing b/c that's where it all started. I think I made so many excuses for you b/c I knew that you didn't know better on so many things. You SHOULD have...and you saw it all day every day around you elsewhere, but being here is so much different. This family is so much different. Your upbringing is so different...It's nothing like mine and while I am not saying mine was perfect, I AM saying that mine had love. Mine had an actual upbringing and not whatever happened within this family. Where your sister raised you so much that you thought your sister was your mom. Or how you could just go do whatever whenever and nothing be said. I'm sure you enjoyed it, but that's just not the way to raise children. 

Anyway, Thanksgiving was a shit show. At least the night before...and it's so fucking sad that alcohol has such a big spot in your lives and none of y'all can handle it. Thanksgiving day went better than expected given the events of the night before. But you know about that kinda shit huh? It was very reminiscent of you and Christmas before last when you chose to stay at the shop and get shitfaced, not giving two shits about your children and it being Christmas eve, then you come home falling into the doors, puking and being loud and belligerent. It's funny that you talked so much shit about your sister but you and her are just alike. You both lie so much that you don't even remember wtf you say. You create fantasy worlds in your own head and you picture a completely different life to people that don't know better. You both get what you want...In all honesty, I'm tired of my girls being around it. It's toxic and you and I both already saw the results of Madelyn's first few years of life when she stayed next door every day. She was becoming one of y'all and even you didn't like it...So, I have decided to change that. I have to move away from here...not to Florida, but away from this hill. Somewhere still close enough to visit, but somewhere far enough to have my own life away from here. Away from this. 

Momma is coming up Sunday and will be staying through Christmas. I'm hoping it'll be a little easier for me and the girls to get thru when we can wake up still in our own house, celebrating Christmas with another body here. It's not you, but it's another body which really was all you were most years. I hope that you are wherever you are, looking at your life and how you chose to live it and I hope that you see the way you were...I hope that whatever you come back as, you can make better choices knowing what this life was like. I hope you come back in a position to be able to make better choices. This isn't meant to be mean, I hope that I am able to do the same when my time comes. Look back and see all the places I went wrong and change it. I know I'm not perfect, by far am I perfect, but I am real and really only want the simple shit in life....the things that I deserve. Speaking of...let's talk about how fucked up it is that I'm having to date after all this time. I hate it. I hate tryin to find someone who can hold my attention. I hate that nobody understands that being a single parent is hard and time consuming...I hate that people are shallow. I hate that I hate my body. I hate that I know that I am a kick ass person but nobody wants to see past my body to get to know that person. I just fucking hate it. All of it. I shouldn't have to be doing this...and yes, i realize even if you were still here I would be dealing with this same shit b/c I already know we were getting divorced. It was just around the corner, wasn't it? I was done. You were done. But there was you drawing me back in and there was me holding onto that last little bit of hope. Hope that you'd change and we could finally get it right. Stupid me.