Chapter 6 - Who I Am

 Do you see me down here? Do you see me kicking ass at doing what I need to do to keep going? It's not easy, being in a position to doubt yourself. I doubt all the decisions I make. My conscious fucks with me every day about me being at the place I am mentally. Like I should feel sad as fuck, right? I should be crying every day (I cry a LOT still) b/c I lost you, but instead I don't cry every day and I am not sad as fuck every day either. 

    Do you see me finding me? Going back to that bad bitch that I was when you came to me with nothing more than a basket full of clothes...I was a bad bitch then and I'm a bad bitch now b/c I'm not stopping. Sorrynotsorry. I'm not going to let YOUR decision fuck up the rest of my life and our girls' lives. I am going to show both of my girls that they CAN live without a man, but I also want them to know that they can WANT a man. My girls need to be self sufficient and right now they're both so spoiled, but we will learn as we grow...together. 

    Do you see how well we're doing? Our vibe? Our ENERGY that is just so strong we push out happiness to those around us? Do you see our smiles that we're all wearing? I almost lost my smile...even your sister said that tonight. She said she loves to see me smiling...you'd be proud of her. I know she's still Gina but you'd be proud of the strides she's making to be in a good place. I know you would even tho you'd call her names and talk about how much you hated her.

    It is so sad for me to say that I am in the best place I have ever been in my life. The best place mentally, spiritually, emotionally, physically. I don't WANT to be mad or sad. I don't WANT to cry. I want to smile. I want to feel loved. I want to love. I want to be the happiest (I mean I know that's stretching it a little), kindest most humble person. Everything about that to me is what love is. I forgave you, ya know. I had to. I could not start the healing process in my heart until I forgave you for everything you did while we were together. I know that I was not the easiest person to live with, I understand that, but I never ONCE cheated on you. Never did half the shit that you did...only thing I ever did was vent to my best friend which you just couldn't handle. But I forgave you. I forgive you. 

    I blamed myself for so long, and I even said it in the last blog I wrote. Why wasn't I enough for you?? But part of forgiving is trying to udnerstand why the person does what they do. I don't understand, probably not meant for me to understand, but I do know that I was not the problem. I was enough. I was PLENTY! Truthfully, YOU weren't enough for me. You weren't enough of a grown up to do what was right. You chose other ways to go about shit but that's ok. I forgive you. I love you so much, but not that part. Not the bad parts; but I forgive you. 

    THIS is who I am. ❤❤

Chapter 5 - The Aftermath

I've changed the title to this blog twice already...I may erase this one too and try over, idk yet. I'm sitting here again with all these jumbled thoughts in my head.

    I want to talk about where I'm at emotionally in my head right now tho. This shit is all over the place. Literally. It's not even just about missing you and then hating you...ok, I don't hate you. I'm really fucking angry at you but every part of me still loves you. But there are times when I am nowhere near ready to even think about any kind of encounter with another man. A part of me feels like I'll be cheating on you. Too bad we both didn't have those kinds of morals cause you sure didnt mind cheating on me, eh? But then there are days where a part of me wants sex. Dirty, angry, sex. Just sex. No emotions. No nothing...just GET. IT. IN. and be done and you go home (or I go home, whichever) That's the part of me that misses physical touch. The raw, passionate yet animalistic touch that I crave. THEN, there are days where I want everything that is unattainable. I want the man who looks at me like I'm the most beautiful woman in the room. The one that tells me he loves me every time he looks at me with his eyes. He never has to open his mouth and say it, b/c his eyes will tell me. I want the man who goes above and beyond to make me feel like I am everything he wants and needs...a man I can trust b/c whew, trusting you was a crap shot for sure. 

    I find it extremely unfair that I put so much into our marriage and you couldn't have cared less. I'm sure you loved me in your own way, but I was never enough for you. It wasn't enough that I was supporting us. It wasn't enough that you were able to live like you were single while I stayed home taking care of our children and our house. It wasn't enough that I worked 40+ hours a week, drove 10+ hours a week (strictly m-f) to and from work and getting the girls and dropping them off. That's not including any running back into town or detours I would have to make at any point. None of that was never enough for you. I will never say I wasted time but I sure did fight for nothing. 

    When I write these blogs, I just want you to know that I am not happy you died. I will never think I'm better off b/c you died...I didn't want that to happen. NO matter what, you were still my husband and you were the father to our children. Even if we weren't together, you still had these girls who loved you so much. When I say that I fought for nothing, it's me saying i fought for someone who didn't think I was enough to fight back for. You knew each time how to suck me right back into your arms. It never failed....a few tears, a few good nights and here I go, head over heels all over again. You knew what you were capable of doing to me, and you used my love for you to help you stay in my good graces. 

    I hate you, love you, miss you, want to touch you, want to kiss you. I want to scream at you. I want to call you names and I want you to tell me why the fuck I was never enough for you? Why you were ok with drawing me into you and loving you so hard when you never had good intentions. I have all these questions for you that I will never get answers to and that's fucking bullshit. 

Goodnight. 

Chapter 4 - Who am I?

 Who am I?

    When I first met you, I was strong, and independent, capable, sexy. I lost that over the years. I lost so much of who I was as an individual. I became Jason's wife, Kitty. I became Madelyn and Melissa's mom, Angela. But I didn't stay ME. I didn't know me. I never got the chance to be alone with ME and see who I was and reflect on the ways I had changed. I was always someone's something...just never....me. 

    I will never understand how two people could have so much in common but have so much shit that were total opposites....Ummm, I just had a thought while writing this...you are me. I am you. I WAS you before you...my last relationship, hell, several of them. I was you. I lied. I was sneaky. Shady AF. I just never berated people the way you berated me. That isn't even in me...but everything else, yeah, that was me. And I hate myself for that. For the things that I've done to people. I will always carry that with me and the people that I lost due to my selfishness and my ego.

    But with you, you were all that mattered. It didn't matter what I wanted, or needed, or dreamed of. I was more worried about doing everything in my willpower to make you happy. Towards the end of our time together, things started changing. With you moving out and in and out and in, I changed. I started becoming who I was before you. Back to that strong, independent and capable woman. I wasn't sexy yet, but that's coming. 😉 I would eat what you wanted to eat, I would go where you wanted to go (even tho we hardly ever did anything together)...I would sit back and let you run the show but just know this...the whole damn time I was cussin you out in my mind. There were days I hated you. I hate to even say that...but I did. I hated you. I hated the way you made me cry all the fucking time. The way you just didn't give a fuck or you'd get mad if I cried and you saw me. Then you'd feel bad (fake) to make me stop crying then you'd go right back to your angry self. I left you a MILLION TIMES....in my head. 

    Today has been a rough day (period time) so on top of just having a shitty "I miss you but I'm confused as fuck and this trauma bonding got me all fucked up" kind of day, I'm having extra super emotional hormones just complicate shit that much more. I cried this morning taking the girls to school. I cried b/c I am so pissed at you for choosing alcohol and all the shit you were doing over your family. This should have been the most important thing to you...even if you weren't in love with me any longer, you should have been making better choices for your children. You were so selfish. You cared about nobody but yourself and that's sad. I am so mad that you abandoned me and these children. You left me here to raise them solely on my own, even tho you weren't a hands on parent. 

    I bought hair dye tonight on the way home. I have professional pictures lined up for me and our daughters in two days. I needed some fresh dye. Guess what color I got? Yup, RED! The color you hated most. I stopped using it b/c you didn't like it...losing me again. Well today, I bought it b/c I wanted it. I put it in my hair the whole time thinking how pissed you'd be and wondering how long you'd go without talking to me (until you wanted sex) all b/c I dyed my hair. I already know we wouldn't be taking pictures together. Last time I asked you your response was "when you learn to act right"....whatever the fuck that meant. It wasn't me acting, baby, that was all you. Still not sure who knew the REAL Jason...I knew the Jason that talked shit about EVERYBODY. Everybody that you'd be out and about with talking to and hanging out with all the time with me clueless...everybody you'd be busy talking shit about me to!

   Well here comes ME. I'm coming back and it's not to spite you but there will be parts of me that think "ha ha! Take that!" while I'm steadily becoming!! 

    

Chapter 3 - Eggshells

     Welcome to Chapter 3. In this chapter, we're going to talk about the saying "walking on eggshells"....Have you (the reader) ever experienced it? I have and here are a few things I want to say to J about it.

    You are one of the most pickiest people I've ever known in my life. You're one of those people who can never be wrong. You know everything there is to know about everything. One of those "I told you so" people who can say it to someone else but God forbid someone say that to you! You won't talk to them for 2 fucking days. (Narcissist much?)

    Food - You hated my cooking. HATED it. You started out loving it when we first started dating. You said tho that I lost my ability to cook when I had my motorcycle accident. But you never offered to help. (Okay, maybe like twice) I would text you every. single. day. on my way home from work or at some point in the day and ask you what you wanted for dinner. I knew you were extremely picky so I was extremely careful as to what I cooked or even picked up in town. You would bitch about my groceries that I would buy but you never took it upon yourself to take that chore off me. But you sure didn't mind going to the store with your buddy, huh? Everybody was always more important than your family and we always came last. Anyway, back to the food. So yeah you were picky as fuck. as FUCK. I would bring home something I knew you'd like if i couldn't get in touch with you and you'd get here and SOMETHING would be wrong with it. Never failed. Yet you wouldn't go out to eat anywhere. I'd come home and cook something here and you'd refuse to eat it and what would my stupid fat ass do? Feed the girls and make you something different THEN I'd sit down and eat. Then I'd have to get your plate out of the bedroom b/c you were too lazy (spoiled) to take it to the kitchen. I had to do that. And get you more drink..or you'd make the girls do it. I am not saying you were all bad but there were a lot of times when I'd have to walk on eggshells to keep you from being pissed off about the stupidest shit...like food.

    I probably should have started this blog off with this part first b/c this is what convinced me to sit down and write this blog. We had Madelyn's open house today for 2nd grade. I have had so many mixed feelings today about the whole situation but I'm goin got tell you what I remember most about her first day of school EVER. It was your stinky ass attitude. You were never involved with these girls lives and that had NOTHING to do with me. You think that I was going to convince them when you moved out that you didnt' want to see them but you NEVER asked for them to come down there. I had to take them and when I did you'd text me within 15 minutes bitching about Melissa. To the point where I'd have to go get them. But I was driving to work this morning thinking about it and what I remember most is your attitude. I remember you getting mad b/c I didnt tell you in time and it was last minute. You were pissed and commented why would you want to go when you're never included in decisions about them anyway although when I'd try to talk to you about shit, you'd either not be listening, get mad bc you're watching tv or your phone or just say to do whatever, you didn't care. So eventually I stopped talking to you about it and just continued making the decisions on my own. But you finally grumbled and got up and went. Even tho you bitched the whole way. Then we argued in the parking lot of her school but I don't even remember for what. So that put a whole damper on shit. We go in and you're all pissy and huffing and puffing and you made me want to turn around and leave b/c I ws straight embarrassed. You lumbed down the hallway once I got her teacher info and you stood in the room basically in the doorway. Might as well had tapped your foot b/c you were ready for us to go before we even got there. That should have been a special day for us! For Madelyn! You put a black cloud over that whole thing and I don't like you very much for that.

    When you were around your family or what few "friends" you had, you talked down to me more often than not. Especially around your family and Josh. I had to be super careful what i said with them around so you didn't get mad. You'd be a dick to the point I left then you'd get drunk and blame it on me and talk mad shit about me. I knew your games. All of them. 

    I feel like my entire marriage had me walking on eggshells. I can promise you that will NEVERRRRR happen again. Evereverevereverevereverever

Chapter 2 - Part Deux

 Wanna know what pisses me off? The fact that I'm sitting here bitching to a computer screen. My fingers are the ones screaming at this blank screen, going a mile a minute because my mouth can't. I can't say this shit to YOU. All this shit that I have on my chest....This part (these parts, rather b/c there will be more than one I'm sure) where I'm in between chapters but just get something on my mind that i need to get off probably shouldn't go in this journal. I should probably start a rants and raves journal just for that...except it's rants and raves at YOU. It's thing that I should be able to say to YOU like fuck you for the shit you did for me. I fucking LOVE you and miss you but mannnnn fuck you. I can't even go a day without thinking about you. My heart hurts because you're not here. It hurts b/c I can't bitch at you and it hurts b/c I can't touch you and smell you and hear you. My heart and mind are so fucked up that I don't know whether I'm coming or going half the time although you wouldn't be able to tell it.

    I've had so many people tell me how happy I look, how I'm glowing, how my smile is brighter than it's ever been. Why is that do you think? I HATE that you died and I'd do anything to bring you back, but why do you think it is that I am feelin the way I am right now? Relief? No bitching. No walking on egg shells. No drunk texts or rants. No seeing you come in every day and smelling the alcohol on you. No wondering where you've been or who you're talking to. There is so much fucking relief in my soul that it's like a ton of bricks have been taken off my shoulders.

    I know that sounds horribly bad, trust me. I argue with myself about my feelings but this is my reality. You had me fucked up for so long that I Forgot to value myself. Sure I knew I'd always be ok no matter what. Sure I knew that I would and COULD make it without you. Sure I knew that at some point, I'd be happy again if you left. But sure I stayed my ass right there in the game b/c I kept thinking you would change. I look back now and realize you had no intentions of changing b/c you had me blinded by the bright bullshit. Who are you? Who were you the entire time we were married? I'm sure you loved me at some point, but idk if you loved ME or what I did for you. No wonder i had no self esteem and my confidence was nil. Every other relationship that turned out that way found me looking elsewhere for attention but not with you. I stayed right there, and I just became the wife and mom. I was no longer me....your narcissistic self had me doubting who I was and if I was even worth loving and having someone be loyal to me.

    And these people out here are all walking around like their best fucking friend is gone but you sat in this room, in this house and bitched about every one of them. CONSTANTLY. ALL of them. ALL of the people outisde of this house but to hear them talk, you were constantly bitching about me and telling people who shitty I was. Don't worry, they're all finding out the truth about the matter but it doesn't even matter. Your friend aren't my friends and they aren't even your true friends anyway.

    I absolutely loathe that I'm not looking at you in your face telling you this shit. I already know I'd be crying and you'd be calling me mexican lover and all the other hateful ass names you could come up with, but I'd get this shit off my chest to YOU. To the person that promised to never hurt me but stayed hurting me the whole fucking time.

    Yeah, fuck you. 

Chapter 2 - First Impressions

 Well here goes Chapter 2...

    This is the part where we "dated"...mannn were those some special times. You were everything I wanted and you consistantly had me with butterflies. You said all the nice things, like telling me I was an amazing person. I remember that conversation like it was yesterday, even where I was standing in my kitchen. It caught me off guard and I was like WOW, he's amazing!

    Our dates were always grabbing a slice of pizza at the store and hitting up the dirt road and power lines where you told me about some dude getting electrocuted and thrown into a tree and "don't you see his shoe up there in the top of the tree?" and had me terrified every time that we went down that damn road thinkin this dude is gonna come fuck with me from the other side lol Then you decided to work on your truck out there with zero lights...like taking the whole damn motor apart out there. No cell service, absolutely no lights for miles and miles and miles...down a long, dark dirt road. Scared. Shitless.

    We would ride for hours holding hands, talking, listening to music or just simply parked and looking at the stars. That was our time...I thought. Guess you had other ladies you liked to give butterflies to as well. 

    I remember the first time I actually met you. I hated your voice lol it was very nasally and irritated me. But I would give anything to hear it again...I ended up falling in love with that voice and loved hearing it (when it wasn't shouting or talking down to me). I miss you and I'm pissed at myself for that. I miss you like crazy, but I'm pissed b/c I want to walk away from you. I want to tell you to fuck the fuck off. I want to have the last word and that's not the case now, is it? 

    Ahem, I got off track. So back to first impressions.     

When I first saw you elbow deep in a motor, I fell in love with you all over again. You knew your shit I'll give you that. According to you tho, you knew shit you really didn't know shit about lol but you could never be wrong! Nope, not you!! Everybody but you was stupid, right? 

    I can't pretend that we didn't have some good times b/c that would be wrong. We did have some amazing times...like dancing in the bedroom about a month before you wrecked. You cried and danced with me. I thought that was the beginning of our fresh start since you hadn't been home very long. Now, I just don't know what to think. 

    I'm not sure what else to write at this moment. I'm struggling with writing something good that I don't have a "but then" ending to the story. You were amazing..."but then you weren't" You were attentive..."but then you weren't"...It's like saying "I'm loyal, until I'm not". Probably should've just said that anyway. 

Chapter 1 - Love/Hate

 Per the advice of my therapist, I am to write to you a book of sorts. It needs to be "our story" and it needs to be chaptered. I need to start at the beginning and write until I'm done. I don't know how to write a book, or judge when chapters should end and begin, so I'm going to bounce all around the place I'm sure. 

Chapter 1 - 2010

    This is the chapter where we met. I messaged you playing dumb about something and that led to where we are now. We talked so much for those first two years. We talked when you were at home, when you were at your friends, and now I'm pretty sure you even talked to me when you were at whatever girl you were with that time. I mean, that never changed so I'm sure I'm right.  You helped me through some really dark times in my life. You talked with me thru all the frustrations I felt during the time my dad and step mom were with me, you talked with me when he was dying. We had no problems keeping the conversation flowing...it was just easy with you in the beginning. You were different then, (as I'm sure I was too)...you talked different. You treated me different. You treated life different...something at some point broke and made you so angry. 

    But let me not get into that yet. Let's go back to the beginning, when life was so full of love and laughter. When  you knew exactly what to say and when to say it. When I didn't have to walk on eggshells to prevent making you angry b/c then I would be upset the entire day. Back to the beginning when you actually acted like you liked me. Back when we'd meet up somewhere and jump in the other's truck and we just ride while we talked or listened to music. Those nights were so amazing to me. It was simple, I didn't have to dress up and become someone I wasn't (sorry not sorry) and I got to know who you were during that time.

    I remember chatting online with you  for a full 12 hours or more. We watched the sun go down outside and we watched it come back up the next morning b/c we spent the entire night talking. Talking about our favorite things, our favorite songs, sharing videos back and forth and laughing and enjoying each other. I hadn't even met you still at this point...I'd see your truck coming out across the street in the afternoons, but I just could not convince you to stop. Guess that's b/c you were going home to a girlfriend or somethin...

    I thought I knew everything about you, who you were. Then I learned about Mason...we'd been talking for 2 years and not once had you brought up the fact that you had a son. I didn't care, but you never brought it up. I should have taken that as a red flag then but I didn't...of course. So you told me about Mason, then told me all about his mother, which you said she was keeping him from you and I believed everything you told me. I knew no better! I thought that I knew who Jason was b/c he was my soulmate and I thought I was his...Then let's talk about the engagement ring that you told me you bought me and were in debt for the rest of your life b/c you'll be making payments on it forever...I'm sure you remember that cubic zirconia you got off of ebay, right!? For $30?? You should have learned one thing about me by this point; I can find some shit out. The very next day I looked on ebay and found the same exact ring...I guess I should have been thankful tho b/c you at least got the bigger of the once available. 

    I gave up every bit of my independence for you and I kick myself in the ass for that. Mostly b/c I should have seen the signs before it got too late...BUT, I wouldn't have my girls if that were the case so I can't be too mad. You came to me with a truck that you didn't even own and a clothes basket full of clothes. That's it. But man how I loved you already at that point. You changed me in the fact that I didn't feel like I was missing anything anymore. I had you and you were everything that I wanted but never know I needed it...and I did need you! I needed the way you made me feel safe when I was with you. I needed the way you touched me like you loved every inch of my body. I needed the way you craved me...but I needed someone who was loyal to me and later we'll find out that wasn't the case at all. 

    Chapter 1 is the beginning of a wild almost 8 year marriage with you. The beginning of a life that I have/had such a love/hate relationship with. 

    Chapter 1 is the beginning of the end.