Wanna know what pisses me off? The fact that I'm sitting here bitching to a computer screen. My fingers are the ones screaming at this blank screen, going a mile a minute because my mouth can't. I can't say this shit to YOU. All this shit that I have on my chest....This part (these parts, rather b/c there will be more than one I'm sure) where I'm in between chapters but just get something on my mind that i need to get off probably shouldn't go in this journal. I should probably start a rants and raves journal just for that...except it's rants and raves at YOU. It's thing that I should be able to say to YOU like fuck you for the shit you did for me. I fucking LOVE you and miss you but mannnnn fuck you. I can't even go a day without thinking about you. My heart hurts because you're not here. It hurts b/c I can't bitch at you and it hurts b/c I can't touch you and smell you and hear you. My heart and mind are so fucked up that I don't know whether I'm coming or going half the time although you wouldn't be able to tell it.
I've had so many people tell me how happy I look, how I'm glowing, how my smile is brighter than it's ever been. Why is that do you think? I HATE that you died and I'd do anything to bring you back, but why do you think it is that I am feelin the way I am right now? Relief? No bitching. No walking on egg shells. No drunk texts or rants. No seeing you come in every day and smelling the alcohol on you. No wondering where you've been or who you're talking to. There is so much fucking relief in my soul that it's like a ton of bricks have been taken off my shoulders.
I know that sounds horribly bad, trust me. I argue with myself about my feelings but this is my reality. You had me fucked up for so long that I Forgot to value myself. Sure I knew I'd always be ok no matter what. Sure I knew that I would and COULD make it without you. Sure I knew that at some point, I'd be happy again if you left. But sure I stayed my ass right there in the game b/c I kept thinking you would change. I look back now and realize you had no intentions of changing b/c you had me blinded by the bright bullshit. Who are you? Who were you the entire time we were married? I'm sure you loved me at some point, but idk if you loved ME or what I did for you. No wonder i had no self esteem and my confidence was nil. Every other relationship that turned out that way found me looking elsewhere for attention but not with you. I stayed right there, and I just became the wife and mom. I was no longer me....your narcissistic self had me doubting who I was and if I was even worth loving and having someone be loyal to me.
And these people out here are all walking around like their best fucking friend is gone but you sat in this room, in this house and bitched about every one of them. CONSTANTLY. ALL of them. ALL of the people outisde of this house but to hear them talk, you were constantly bitching about me and telling people who shitty I was. Don't worry, they're all finding out the truth about the matter but it doesn't even matter. Your friend aren't my friends and they aren't even your true friends anyway.
I absolutely loathe that I'm not looking at you in your face telling you this shit. I already know I'd be crying and you'd be calling me mexican lover and all the other hateful ass names you could come up with, but I'd get this shit off my chest to YOU. To the person that promised to never hurt me but stayed hurting me the whole fucking time.
Yeah, fuck you.
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