Per the advice of my therapist, I am to write to you a book of sorts. It needs to be "our story" and it needs to be chaptered. I need to start at the beginning and write until I'm done. I don't know how to write a book, or judge when chapters should end and begin, so I'm going to bounce all around the place I'm sure.
Chapter 1 - 2010
This is the chapter where we met. I messaged you playing dumb about something and that led to where we are now. We talked so much for those first two years. We talked when you were at home, when you were at your friends, and now I'm pretty sure you even talked to me when you were at whatever girl you were with that time. I mean, that never changed so I'm sure I'm right. You helped me through some really dark times in my life. You talked with me thru all the frustrations I felt during the time my dad and step mom were with me, you talked with me when he was dying. We had no problems keeping the conversation flowing...it was just easy with you in the beginning. You were different then, (as I'm sure I was too)...you talked different. You treated me different. You treated life different...something at some point broke and made you so angry.
But let me not get into that yet. Let's go back to the beginning, when life was so full of love and laughter. When you knew exactly what to say and when to say it. When I didn't have to walk on eggshells to prevent making you angry b/c then I would be upset the entire day. Back to the beginning when you actually acted like you liked me. Back when we'd meet up somewhere and jump in the other's truck and we just ride while we talked or listened to music. Those nights were so amazing to me. It was simple, I didn't have to dress up and become someone I wasn't (sorry not sorry) and I got to know who you were during that time.
I remember chatting online with you for a full 12 hours or more. We watched the sun go down outside and we watched it come back up the next morning b/c we spent the entire night talking. Talking about our favorite things, our favorite songs, sharing videos back and forth and laughing and enjoying each other. I hadn't even met you still at this point...I'd see your truck coming out across the street in the afternoons, but I just could not convince you to stop. Guess that's b/c you were going home to a girlfriend or somethin...
I thought I knew everything about you, who you were. Then I learned about Mason...we'd been talking for 2 years and not once had you brought up the fact that you had a son. I didn't care, but you never brought it up. I should have taken that as a red flag then but I didn't...of course. So you told me about Mason, then told me all about his mother, which you said she was keeping him from you and I believed everything you told me. I knew no better! I thought that I knew who Jason was b/c he was my soulmate and I thought I was his...Then let's talk about the engagement ring that you told me you bought me and were in debt for the rest of your life b/c you'll be making payments on it forever...I'm sure you remember that cubic zirconia you got off of ebay, right!? For $30?? You should have learned one thing about me by this point; I can find some shit out. The very next day I looked on ebay and found the same exact ring...I guess I should have been thankful tho b/c you at least got the bigger of the once available.
I gave up every bit of my independence for you and I kick myself in the ass for that. Mostly b/c I should have seen the signs before it got too late...BUT, I wouldn't have my girls if that were the case so I can't be too mad. You came to me with a truck that you didn't even own and a clothes basket full of clothes. That's it. But man how I loved you already at that point. You changed me in the fact that I didn't feel like I was missing anything anymore. I had you and you were everything that I wanted but never know I needed it...and I did need you! I needed the way you made me feel safe when I was with you. I needed the way you touched me like you loved every inch of my body. I needed the way you craved me...but I needed someone who was loyal to me and later we'll find out that wasn't the case at all.
Chapter 1 is the beginning of a wild almost 8 year marriage with you. The beginning of a life that I have/had such a love/hate relationship with.
Chapter 1 is the beginning of the end.
No comments:
Post a Comment