Chapter 2 - First Impressions

 Well here goes Chapter 2...

    This is the part where we "dated"...mannn were those some special times. You were everything I wanted and you consistantly had me with butterflies. You said all the nice things, like telling me I was an amazing person. I remember that conversation like it was yesterday, even where I was standing in my kitchen. It caught me off guard and I was like WOW, he's amazing!

    Our dates were always grabbing a slice of pizza at the store and hitting up the dirt road and power lines where you told me about some dude getting electrocuted and thrown into a tree and "don't you see his shoe up there in the top of the tree?" and had me terrified every time that we went down that damn road thinkin this dude is gonna come fuck with me from the other side lol Then you decided to work on your truck out there with zero lights...like taking the whole damn motor apart out there. No cell service, absolutely no lights for miles and miles and miles...down a long, dark dirt road. Scared. Shitless.

    We would ride for hours holding hands, talking, listening to music or just simply parked and looking at the stars. That was our time...I thought. Guess you had other ladies you liked to give butterflies to as well. 

    I remember the first time I actually met you. I hated your voice lol it was very nasally and irritated me. But I would give anything to hear it again...I ended up falling in love with that voice and loved hearing it (when it wasn't shouting or talking down to me). I miss you and I'm pissed at myself for that. I miss you like crazy, but I'm pissed b/c I want to walk away from you. I want to tell you to fuck the fuck off. I want to have the last word and that's not the case now, is it? 

    Ahem, I got off track. So back to first impressions.     

When I first saw you elbow deep in a motor, I fell in love with you all over again. You knew your shit I'll give you that. According to you tho, you knew shit you really didn't know shit about lol but you could never be wrong! Nope, not you!! Everybody but you was stupid, right? 

    I can't pretend that we didn't have some good times b/c that would be wrong. We did have some amazing times...like dancing in the bedroom about a month before you wrecked. You cried and danced with me. I thought that was the beginning of our fresh start since you hadn't been home very long. Now, I just don't know what to think. 

    I'm not sure what else to write at this moment. I'm struggling with writing something good that I don't have a "but then" ending to the story. You were amazing..."but then you weren't" You were attentive..."but then you weren't"...It's like saying "I'm loyal, until I'm not". Probably should've just said that anyway. 

Chapter 1 - Love/Hate

 Per the advice of my therapist, I am to write to you a book of sorts. It needs to be "our story" and it needs to be chaptered. I need to start at the beginning and write until I'm done. I don't know how to write a book, or judge when chapters should end and begin, so I'm going to bounce all around the place I'm sure. 

Chapter 1 - 2010

    This is the chapter where we met. I messaged you playing dumb about something and that led to where we are now. We talked so much for those first two years. We talked when you were at home, when you were at your friends, and now I'm pretty sure you even talked to me when you were at whatever girl you were with that time. I mean, that never changed so I'm sure I'm right.  You helped me through some really dark times in my life. You talked with me thru all the frustrations I felt during the time my dad and step mom were with me, you talked with me when he was dying. We had no problems keeping the conversation flowing...it was just easy with you in the beginning. You were different then, (as I'm sure I was too)...you talked different. You treated me different. You treated life different...something at some point broke and made you so angry. 

    But let me not get into that yet. Let's go back to the beginning, when life was so full of love and laughter. When  you knew exactly what to say and when to say it. When I didn't have to walk on eggshells to prevent making you angry b/c then I would be upset the entire day. Back to the beginning when you actually acted like you liked me. Back when we'd meet up somewhere and jump in the other's truck and we just ride while we talked or listened to music. Those nights were so amazing to me. It was simple, I didn't have to dress up and become someone I wasn't (sorry not sorry) and I got to know who you were during that time.

    I remember chatting online with you  for a full 12 hours or more. We watched the sun go down outside and we watched it come back up the next morning b/c we spent the entire night talking. Talking about our favorite things, our favorite songs, sharing videos back and forth and laughing and enjoying each other. I hadn't even met you still at this point...I'd see your truck coming out across the street in the afternoons, but I just could not convince you to stop. Guess that's b/c you were going home to a girlfriend or somethin...

    I thought I knew everything about you, who you were. Then I learned about Mason...we'd been talking for 2 years and not once had you brought up the fact that you had a son. I didn't care, but you never brought it up. I should have taken that as a red flag then but I didn't...of course. So you told me about Mason, then told me all about his mother, which you said she was keeping him from you and I believed everything you told me. I knew no better! I thought that I knew who Jason was b/c he was my soulmate and I thought I was his...Then let's talk about the engagement ring that you told me you bought me and were in debt for the rest of your life b/c you'll be making payments on it forever...I'm sure you remember that cubic zirconia you got off of ebay, right!? For $30?? You should have learned one thing about me by this point; I can find some shit out. The very next day I looked on ebay and found the same exact ring...I guess I should have been thankful tho b/c you at least got the bigger of the once available. 

    I gave up every bit of my independence for you and I kick myself in the ass for that. Mostly b/c I should have seen the signs before it got too late...BUT, I wouldn't have my girls if that were the case so I can't be too mad. You came to me with a truck that you didn't even own and a clothes basket full of clothes. That's it. But man how I loved you already at that point. You changed me in the fact that I didn't feel like I was missing anything anymore. I had you and you were everything that I wanted but never know I needed it...and I did need you! I needed the way you made me feel safe when I was with you. I needed the way you touched me like you loved every inch of my body. I needed the way you craved me...but I needed someone who was loyal to me and later we'll find out that wasn't the case at all. 

    Chapter 1 is the beginning of a wild almost 8 year marriage with you. The beginning of a life that I have/had such a love/hate relationship with. 

    Chapter 1 is the beginning of the end. 

Note to me from me

 hey..you...so don't settle. Do not go back into this world and settle for anything less than you deserve. Do not dumb yourself down. Do not change who you are. Do not let someone tell you that your emotions are bullshit and invalid. 

All your life, you have been the fixer of people. You had friends that you were drawn to b/c they were broken and you thought you could fix it. It's not a flaw, it's a beautiful thing but sometimes people don't want to fix themselves so then that just leaves you doing all the work and in the end you get fucked. Stop it! You're not a miracle worker. Not all people are like you, Angela. 

Don't let someone talk to you like shit. Know your worth and when they start gettin froggy, tell them to kick rocks. Baby you can do bad all by yourself, you already know. But you got this! You don't HAVE to have that in your life! 

Your life has been flipped upside down (again) but this time you are so much stronger! You know that you'll survive, b/c you already have. You know that you'll figure it out b/c you always do. So many emotions going thru my mind. Anger, happiness, fear, sadness, brokenness. 

April 6th, 2021 you took your last breath. You were 33 years old, and still had so much life left to live. You held on for 10 days, but you couldn't stay here. I have been in some kind of nightmare since I saw them on you performing CPR. It is a vision that plays like a video on loop, over and over and over. I cannot get the image out of my head..or of your lifeless body laying in that bed with all that shit on your face. That's not the man I love...that wasn't you. That wasn't my heart laying there on that bed, cold and just an empty vessel....but it was. I prayed, and cried, and begged you to come back to me. Why did you leave me? Why is this so much harder than anything I've ever had to go through before? I've already lost a husband and while that pain was great, it's nothing like this one. These are all feelings that I've never felt and honestly, they scare the fuck out of me. I wonder if there's even any reason for me to be here anymore? I literally lived to try and make you happy...I put myself on the backburner one too many times just so you could be happy, and you left me. I look at our beautiful girls and I know that I have to go on. I have to be strong for these girls. I have to show them that we can still go on with life, even while missing you immensely. I miss you so fucking much. There's an ache in my heart that I cannot fix. No amount of medicine, bandaids, pills, nothing will fix it. just a big empty hole where my heart was ripped out and you took with you. 

Wherever you are, I love you. I love you always and forever. Promise promise. <3

Lost and Broken

Here I am two and a half months after giving birth to my beautiful daughter, and every day is a struggle for me. If I put my symptoms on paper then people would say "oh, you have post partum" but see, I don't. I have feelings inside of me that nobody knows about, feelings that I cannot tell for fear of starting an argument with someone and people thinking I'm ungrateful. So, I'm going to write them here...

Let me explain that I'm a very jealous person, I always have been. I've been in relationships where I was cheated on so I know the signs...hell i've been the cheater in the relationship so it's like trying to bullshit a bullshitter, you just can't do it. So about a month or so ago I looked through my husband's phone and found some stuff there that broke me. It did something to me that I can't explain but when you see your husband visiting dating sites, that hurts. A lot. when you see emails your husband has sent people on craigslist trying to hook up, that completely breaks your insides apart and scrambles them all up and you're left feeling numb. Especially since you've found emails before for the same thing for craigslist and especially when you see that this has been going on the entire time you've been together/married. The thoughts that ran through my mind are some that can't be explained. I can tell you how and what I felt but for you to feel the pain I felt is near impossible. A part of me felt worthless...I felt used and utterly disrespected. I felt like nothing in my world made sense anymore and nothing in my marriage was real, other than on my part. I felt like the entire time I had been with my husband, it had been a lie. It was as if I was the only one in my relationship. To know that your husband doesn't get enough out of you, whether emotionally or sexually so he's looking elsewhere, that's something that makes you feel like you've been chewed up and spit out on the floor.

Every time he picks up his phone, all I see are those websites. All I see is him talking to someone on craigslist setting up a meeting time where he'll tell me he's working and he'll be meeting someone else. When he's at work and he doesn't answer me for hours when I text him, all I think is he's off with someone he met online, just like he did me. My heart aches every day and it's something I have to hide to keep going. I want my daughter to see a happy mommy, not someone who cries constantly and is in constant fear of her husband cheating on her. When I confronted my husband with my findings, he denied what he could then just simply said "I don't know" when questioned why he was looking at dating sites. He's swore he won't do it again because he loves me but my thought is this, if he loved me so much to not do it again then how come he didn't love me enough to not do it in the first place? When he set up accounts with these places,  he wasn't thinking about his love for me. When he emailed people on craigslist, he wasn't thinking about his wife at home, he was thinking about getting away with being with someone else. When I was getting an ultrasound done on our daughter, he chose to stay home and that's when he was emailing people on craigslist...THAT HURT!

I wish he could understand how much he has hurt me. I don't want to argue about it and i don't want to keep bringing it up but he acts like it didn't happen. He acts like when I don't trust him that I'm just being a bitch, he forgets that HE is the reason I don't trust him. I've NEVER cheated on him. I don't even look at other guys b/c my heart is completely wrapped up in that man. I would do and I do do everything he asks me to do no matter what. The only thing I've ever asked for was honesty and loyalty, and I don't get either.

I just don't know what to do and each day I try so hard to hide my tears.

I'm so lost and broken. I feel like he has put his wife, his family on the back burner. I feel like we don't matter as much as we should, we are second best to someone else.

In a Mood...

I'm in a mood to write today and there's a few things on my mind that I wanted to share.

First of all, I'm TIRED of watching the news. They don't show the news anymore, they show nothing different than what I would read if I were to pick up a National Enquirer magazine. They show stories about Prince Harry being in the military and fighting in the war..Okay, first of all when you put MY prince up there then I'll be interested, secondly, why are you putting a story on American news about someone who isn't American? Why don't you put a story up there of an AMERICAN SOLDIER who is fighting in the war while his family is here in the states worried about him? Why don't you show ANY stories on American Soldiers???? In other words, I DON'T CARE WHAT PRINCE HARRY OR PRINCE CHARLES DOES OR HOW MANY CHILDREN THEY HAVE. JUST. DON'T. CARE!! This is America, not London or Japan or Timbuktu. AM-ER-I-CA!!! Say it with me now!!

On the same note as the news - Let's talk about Manti Te'o. Do y'all not understand that there is an entire TV show centered around people who have made fake profiles online and pretend to be someone they're not? What makes it okay for all those people on that show to do this and nothing said other than "shame on you" yet this guy, just b/c he plays football I'm guessing, is such a bad person b/c he's done what MILLIONS of other people have done at some time or another? Let that man be!! If he is so unhappy in his life that he felt that he needed to pretend to be someone else then so what, does it directly concern you? NO. Does it hurt you in any way? NO. Then let it go! It's not your business or the media's to be sticking their nose in his life and the things he does unless it is directly related to you in some way. Geesh...Can't even burp without the media making a huge deal out of it anymore.

Facebook - ahhhhh where do I begin  here?!?
 
Let's start with all the posts about Jesus. Look, I'm a firm believer in Jesus but I do not think Jesus will leave me standing at the pearly gates if I did not "share" that picture of him. He is not gonna turn his back on me b/c I didn't "like" the picture of him on the cross. If I look at my cell phone and it says "GOD CALLING", heck no I'm not going to answer it! See me and My God, we have our own direct line and it has nothing to do with a cell phone!! People, you are not going to hell if you do not share those stupid posts so stop clogging up my FB wall with them before I have to delete y'all peeps!!

Just b/c there is a "share" button on the bottom of the stupid posts that people put up doesn't mean that you need to share it or it does any good to share it. I don't want to see little babies who have been beat within an inch of their life on my FB wall with "such and such says if they get 1 million likes then this baby will receive free surgery"...NOT GONNA HAPPEN. Not saying they won't get that many likes but you can guarantee there isn't anybody going to do anything free. Please stop sharing them so I have to see them on my FB wall.

Another thing I'm tired of seeing is people sharing the pictures of kids holding signs talking about "my parents said if I get x amount of likes we can get a puppy"...well how about tell your damn parents to encourage you to stay OFF of the internet and go outside and rake the yard or pick up your toys or something away from the computer to EARN a puppy, not spend all your childhood behind the monitor or a tv. Take your shoes off and go run barefoot through the grass, go sit in the dirt and get dirty. Parents should be ashamed of themselves letting their children do whatever they want to do just to stay out of their hair!!

To match ^ that post, it looks like that has started an epidemic. I saw yesterday a post of a guy holding a sign saying "my wife says if I get x amount of likes then we can discuss having a baby"....REALLY? What? is FB gonna get her pregnant? WTF does FB have to do with anything other than draw attention to you and your life? What happened to people being more quiet about their business instead of posting it for the world to see?? Shut down your computer, turn off your cell phone, make a nice dinner and have a nice discussion about having a baby. Don't bring people you don't know into your life...That's just dumb.

Okay, I think right now I'm done. IDC if people read this and don't agree, it's whatever. It's my blog and my feelings but DAMN I'm tired.

I am...

I am my own worst enemy. My biggest critic.

I am doubt. I am fear. I am uncertainty. I am but a shadow in this world. I am nothing yet I am everything. I am ugly yet I am beautiful. I am sad yet I am happy. I smile on the outside but cry on the inside. I am my own demon that whispers the bad things in my ear. I am friendless but am an awesome friend. I am me yet sometimes I feel as if that is not enough. I am a lover but sometimes I wonder if I love too much. I am undecided yet strong in my beliefs. I am stubborn yet I give in more often than not. I am hardheaded but I stay silent. I am hopeful but afraid to hope. I'm a dreamer but not a realist.....


I am me.