April 6th, 2021 you took your last breath. You were 33 years old, and still had so much life left to live. You held on for 10 days, but you couldn't stay here. I have been in some kind of nightmare since I saw them on you performing CPR. It is a vision that plays like a video on loop, over and over and over. I cannot get the image out of my head..or of your lifeless body laying in that bed with all that shit on your face. That's not the man I love...that wasn't you. That wasn't my heart laying there on that bed, cold and just an empty vessel....but it was. I prayed, and cried, and begged you to come back to me. Why did you leave me? Why is this so much harder than anything I've ever had to go through before? I've already lost a husband and while that pain was great, it's nothing like this one. These are all feelings that I've never felt and honestly, they scare the fuck out of me. I wonder if there's even any reason for me to be here anymore? I literally lived to try and make you happy...I put myself on the backburner one too many times just so you could be happy, and you left me. I look at our beautiful girls and I know that I have to go on. I have to be strong for these girls. I have to show them that we can still go on with life, even while missing you immensely. I miss you so fucking much. There's an ache in my heart that I cannot fix. No amount of medicine, bandaids, pills, nothing will fix it. just a big empty hole where my heart was ripped out and you took with you. 

Wherever you are, I love you. I love you always and forever. Promise promise. <3