April 6th, 2021 you took your last breath. You were 33 years old, and still had so much life left to live. You held on for 10 days, but you couldn't stay here. I have been in some kind of nightmare since I saw them on you performing CPR. It is a vision that plays like a video on loop, over and over and over. I cannot get the image out of my head..or of your lifeless body laying in that bed with all that shit on your face. That's not the man I love...that wasn't you. That wasn't my heart laying there on that bed, cold and just an empty vessel....but it was. I prayed, and cried, and begged you to come back to me. Why did you leave me? Why is this so much harder than anything I've ever had to go through before? I've already lost a husband and while that pain was great, it's nothing like this one. These are all feelings that I've never felt and honestly, they scare the fuck out of me. I wonder if there's even any reason for me to be here anymore? I literally lived to try and make you happy...I put myself on the backburner one too many times just so you could be happy, and you left me. I look at our beautiful girls and I know that I have to go on. I have to be strong for these girls. I have to show them that we can still go on with life, even while missing you immensely. I miss you so fucking much. There's an ache in my heart that I cannot fix. No amount of medicine, bandaids, pills, nothing will fix it. just a big empty hole where my heart was ripped out and you took with you. 

Wherever you are, I love you. I love you always and forever. Promise promise. <3

Lost and Broken

Here I am two and a half months after giving birth to my beautiful daughter, and every day is a struggle for me. If I put my symptoms on paper then people would say "oh, you have post partum" but see, I don't. I have feelings inside of me that nobody knows about, feelings that I cannot tell for fear of starting an argument with someone and people thinking I'm ungrateful. So, I'm going to write them here...

Let me explain that I'm a very jealous person, I always have been. I've been in relationships where I was cheated on so I know the signs...hell i've been the cheater in the relationship so it's like trying to bullshit a bullshitter, you just can't do it. So about a month or so ago I looked through my husband's phone and found some stuff there that broke me. It did something to me that I can't explain but when you see your husband visiting dating sites, that hurts. A lot. when you see emails your husband has sent people on craigslist trying to hook up, that completely breaks your insides apart and scrambles them all up and you're left feeling numb. Especially since you've found emails before for the same thing for craigslist and especially when you see that this has been going on the entire time you've been together/married. The thoughts that ran through my mind are some that can't be explained. I can tell you how and what I felt but for you to feel the pain I felt is near impossible. A part of me felt worthless...I felt used and utterly disrespected. I felt like nothing in my world made sense anymore and nothing in my marriage was real, other than on my part. I felt like the entire time I had been with my husband, it had been a lie. It was as if I was the only one in my relationship. To know that your husband doesn't get enough out of you, whether emotionally or sexually so he's looking elsewhere, that's something that makes you feel like you've been chewed up and spit out on the floor.

Every time he picks up his phone, all I see are those websites. All I see is him talking to someone on craigslist setting up a meeting time where he'll tell me he's working and he'll be meeting someone else. When he's at work and he doesn't answer me for hours when I text him, all I think is he's off with someone he met online, just like he did me. My heart aches every day and it's something I have to hide to keep going. I want my daughter to see a happy mommy, not someone who cries constantly and is in constant fear of her husband cheating on her. When I confronted my husband with my findings, he denied what he could then just simply said "I don't know" when questioned why he was looking at dating sites. He's swore he won't do it again because he loves me but my thought is this, if he loved me so much to not do it again then how come he didn't love me enough to not do it in the first place? When he set up accounts with these places,  he wasn't thinking about his love for me. When he emailed people on craigslist, he wasn't thinking about his wife at home, he was thinking about getting away with being with someone else. When I was getting an ultrasound done on our daughter, he chose to stay home and that's when he was emailing people on craigslist...THAT HURT!

I wish he could understand how much he has hurt me. I don't want to argue about it and i don't want to keep bringing it up but he acts like it didn't happen. He acts like when I don't trust him that I'm just being a bitch, he forgets that HE is the reason I don't trust him. I've NEVER cheated on him. I don't even look at other guys b/c my heart is completely wrapped up in that man. I would do and I do do everything he asks me to do no matter what. The only thing I've ever asked for was honesty and loyalty, and I don't get either.

I just don't know what to do and each day I try so hard to hide my tears.

I'm so lost and broken. I feel like he has put his wife, his family on the back burner. I feel like we don't matter as much as we should, we are second best to someone else.

In a Mood...

I'm in a mood to write today and there's a few things on my mind that I wanted to share.

First of all, I'm TIRED of watching the news. They don't show the news anymore, they show nothing different than what I would read if I were to pick up a National Enquirer magazine. They show stories about Prince Harry being in the military and fighting in the war..Okay, first of all when you put MY prince up there then I'll be interested, secondly, why are you putting a story on American news about someone who isn't American? Why don't you put a story up there of an AMERICAN SOLDIER who is fighting in the war while his family is here in the states worried about him? Why don't you show ANY stories on American Soldiers???? In other words, I DON'T CARE WHAT PRINCE HARRY OR PRINCE CHARLES DOES OR HOW MANY CHILDREN THEY HAVE. JUST. DON'T. CARE!! This is America, not London or Japan or Timbuktu. AM-ER-I-CA!!! Say it with me now!!

On the same note as the news - Let's talk about Manti Te'o. Do y'all not understand that there is an entire TV show centered around people who have made fake profiles online and pretend to be someone they're not? What makes it okay for all those people on that show to do this and nothing said other than "shame on you" yet this guy, just b/c he plays football I'm guessing, is such a bad person b/c he's done what MILLIONS of other people have done at some time or another? Let that man be!! If he is so unhappy in his life that he felt that he needed to pretend to be someone else then so what, does it directly concern you? NO. Does it hurt you in any way? NO. Then let it go! It's not your business or the media's to be sticking their nose in his life and the things he does unless it is directly related to you in some way. Geesh...Can't even burp without the media making a huge deal out of it anymore.

Facebook - ahhhhh where do I begin  here?!?
 
Let's start with all the posts about Jesus. Look, I'm a firm believer in Jesus but I do not think Jesus will leave me standing at the pearly gates if I did not "share" that picture of him. He is not gonna turn his back on me b/c I didn't "like" the picture of him on the cross. If I look at my cell phone and it says "GOD CALLING", heck no I'm not going to answer it! See me and My God, we have our own direct line and it has nothing to do with a cell phone!! People, you are not going to hell if you do not share those stupid posts so stop clogging up my FB wall with them before I have to delete y'all peeps!!

Just b/c there is a "share" button on the bottom of the stupid posts that people put up doesn't mean that you need to share it or it does any good to share it. I don't want to see little babies who have been beat within an inch of their life on my FB wall with "such and such says if they get 1 million likes then this baby will receive free surgery"...NOT GONNA HAPPEN. Not saying they won't get that many likes but you can guarantee there isn't anybody going to do anything free. Please stop sharing them so I have to see them on my FB wall.

Another thing I'm tired of seeing is people sharing the pictures of kids holding signs talking about "my parents said if I get x amount of likes we can get a puppy"...well how about tell your damn parents to encourage you to stay OFF of the internet and go outside and rake the yard or pick up your toys or something away from the computer to EARN a puppy, not spend all your childhood behind the monitor or a tv. Take your shoes off and go run barefoot through the grass, go sit in the dirt and get dirty. Parents should be ashamed of themselves letting their children do whatever they want to do just to stay out of their hair!!

To match ^ that post, it looks like that has started an epidemic. I saw yesterday a post of a guy holding a sign saying "my wife says if I get x amount of likes then we can discuss having a baby"....REALLY? What? is FB gonna get her pregnant? WTF does FB have to do with anything other than draw attention to you and your life? What happened to people being more quiet about their business instead of posting it for the world to see?? Shut down your computer, turn off your cell phone, make a nice dinner and have a nice discussion about having a baby. Don't bring people you don't know into your life...That's just dumb.

Okay, I think right now I'm done. IDC if people read this and don't agree, it's whatever. It's my blog and my feelings but DAMN I'm tired.

I am...

I am my own worst enemy. My biggest critic.

I am doubt. I am fear. I am uncertainty. I am but a shadow in this world. I am nothing yet I am everything. I am ugly yet I am beautiful. I am sad yet I am happy. I smile on the outside but cry on the inside. I am my own demon that whispers the bad things in my ear. I am friendless but am an awesome friend. I am me yet sometimes I feel as if that is not enough. I am a lover but sometimes I wonder if I love too much. I am undecided yet strong in my beliefs. I am stubborn yet I give in more often than not. I am hardheaded but I stay silent. I am hopeful but afraid to hope. I'm a dreamer but not a realist.....


I am me.

To my love...

I've always been good with words when I was able to write them on paper but not so much when it came to speaking my feelings orally. When I try to express myself out loud my tongue gets tied up into a knot and I lose my thoughts before I ever even get them in order to speak them in a sentence. That's why I'm so quick to say "hey, listen to the lyrics of this song" or to find a picture with a quote that says exactly how I feel. It's not that I don't feel that way or need to steal someone else's feelings, it's just that someone else may have put what I want to say together where you're able to read/hear it so much better than if I were to try to tell you. When I say that everything about you leaves me completely twisted inside, I don't mean that in a bad way.

When I look at you, it's like nothing in the world exists outside of you. You are all I see. Every inch of your 6 feet whatever inch frame. Every bit of that I am absolutely in love with. I have said before but i'll say it again, I wish you could see yourself thru my eyes. I wish you could feel an OUNCE of what I feel for you. You would then understand that no matter what you may think or how sneaky you may think me to be, there is nobody else in my life, in my eyes, and in my heart other than you. You consume every waking thought. I wake up with you every morning not wanting to leave you, I think about you all day and I long to come home to you each afternoon even if we don't always get along. I know that I'm not perfect and that we don't have the perfect relationship but you are honestly my best friend and the person I want to come to with every thought that crosses my mind. You are without a doubt the person i want to spend the rest of my life with.

You know me at times better than I know myself even if I don't admit that to you. You give me something to look forward to every day knowing that I have you in my life. You understand me when no one else does and I can't thank you enough for wrapping your arms around me during the times that I need you the most. I love you, I love everything about you. I love that you just get me. I love that we think the same way about so many things even tho we are totally weird. I love that in sooooo many ways, you as I are one and the same. I love watching you play your guitar, the way you close your eyes and get lost in the music. I could listen to you for hours and hours and never get tired of it, EVER. That place you go when you get lost while youre playing, that's how I feel when I am in your arms. Like nothing can touch me, it's just me and my abyss.

i love you for everything that you are and I always will because you have made me understand what I've missed all these years. I'm so lucky that we started out as friends and built a friendship without the complexities of going straight into a relationship and having to learn each other as we go. I'm grateful that we spent so many hours getting no know one another without ever actually knowing one another. I am grateful that YOU were there thru one of the most difficult times in my life when I had nobody else to turn to or talk to. You were there just like you still are when memories wrack my brain and my heart. Thank you for that. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for being everything I never knew I needed.

You Think You Can But You Can't... (take a seat, it's long)

I'm writing this here since I have more than what a Facebook status will hold. When I was 7 years old my dad married my step mom, Pam. Today I am 33. While you can imagine that I can't remember a lot of my early childhood, let me fill you in on some stuff that I do remember so that way the ending of this story might make sense. Maybe all these early details will shed light on the truth behind this evil evil woman. For as long as I can remember my step mom has been evil and vindictive. She has been conniving and did nothing but lie time after time. She has constantly pitted her family against my dad's family with of course her family being the ultimate. She has manipulated my father, his friends, and HIS family up until the day he died and what's more sad is we are a year outside of his death and she is still able to manipulate people!

Daddy's Family: I bet you didn't know that she constantly told daddy when he was down that his family wanted nothing to do with him and his children didn't love him did you? Oh, but she did. I bet you didn't know that she talked shit behind every one of your backs but was a kiss ass to your face did you? Yup, guilty again. I bet you didn't know that she could have cared less if you croaked over dead as long as you weren't HER precious family...mmhmm, that too. How can you listen to the things this monster says and BELIEVE HER? Did you know that she used to take the money that Granny and Grandpa would get for SSI and spend it on herself and then they (granny and grandpa) had to do without medicines and such b/c she would spend their money? Did you know she did Uncle Tom the same way? The ONLY reason she was EVER okay with the three of them (Granny, Grandpa, and Uncle Tom) was b/c she had that extra money coming in. Oh, don't think she didn't try to get some sort of compensation from the government for that either. She applied for food stamps and whatever money they would give her for "taking care of them." Did you know she opened a credit card in daddy's name years ago and denied it to him, even until this day? Nope, bet you didn't know that...Daddy would hide money from her b/c he knew how she was. Don't you find it a bit odd that he did so well when someone else was monitoring his medicine he was able to walk and actually have some sort of life, even if he used a walker and still had health issues? He WALKED out of the nursing home right by himself. He walked through my house right by himself with no help. For years and years he laid in a bed b/c he was "so sick" yet even the doctors here said his medicine was not correct? Don't you find it odd that SHE was in charge of his health and it was always so poor???? Did you know that she is the reason daddy lost his property up here? Yeah, bet you didn't know that! Bet you were told that his children couldn't afford to pay the taxes on the house so they had to sign it over (for wayyyyyyy less than it's worth) to the neighbor to keep from losing it. Yeah well, let me tell you that I begged Pam to give me the phone number of the lawyer that supposedly sent a letter to her saying they were going to take the house. She would not. Let me also tell you that I told her to let me buy the house (it was already going in my name when daddy passed anyway) so they would not lose the house. I told her and Ellie did too, that we would do whatever we needed to do. One week later we were told it was signed over to the neighbor and there was nothing we could do. Daddy was in Asheville VA hospital when this started, she told him that we (his kids who didn't love him) couldn't help with the house. The hours surrounding daddy's death, did you know that the entire time I was there Pam came into that room TWO TIMES, the second time being when I called everybody in there as I knew that the time had come for him to go be with granny and grandpa. You know she didn't want to give him any kind of pain medication while he was on his death bed? Saying "your daddy didn't want that, he had a DNR so he didn't want that." Okay so let's just let him suffer and pretend that he's not in pain....Also, before he took his last breath, while she was outside smoking and laughing and carrying on, she was already giving his stuff away!! Already discussing who gets what of daddy's. While we're on this subject, let me inform you ALL that his children, (Lonnie, Ellie, or myself) "ransacked the house" the day we left! That is a bald face lie!!! On the morning we left, SHE woke up and made coffee and had some of his stuff laying on the kitchen table to disperse. SHE had the notebook that listed who got which guns and such out on the table. THAT WAS ALL HER!! In fact, I told her flat out standing in her bedroom that I did not want that stuff right now. It was too soon for me to take it and she said "no honey, go ahead and take it so you'll have it." Do you know since then she has given everything away or sold everything? Mostly to HER family...INCLUDING his truck that HE WOULD NOT PUT HER NAME ON THE TITLE!!! Now, why do you think that is???? BECAUSE HE DIDN'T TRUST HER FARTHER THAN HE COULD THROW HER!!!

Daddy's Friends: There are lot that fall into this category. Sadly, most will not read this as they have quit associating with anybody that had anything to do with daddy b/c of my step mom. I'm sorry that you ever were subjected to her evil and conniving ways. I'm sorry that my dad lost his friends over someone that should have been his best friend, someone who should have stuck by him through the years instead of manipulating him and causing him more grief than what it was worth. I'm sorry that my dad cried over his lost friends b/c of his wife but he didn't see that, he didn't know she was the reason behind it. Had he known then he would have put a stop to it. Let me tell you a few stories. When I was in high school I was a member of JROTC and I was on the drill team. We had drill meets and we even had a few football games that we had to perform at. During one of said meets at the game, my step mom convinced my dad that I lied about going to the game. She told him I walked from the high school to a boys camp (which was easly 10-15 miles) to see some boy and then made it back to the football game in time to be picked up by her. Yeah, in case you don't know, I'm 5'3" and short of running (which I DON'T do) there is no way my legs would carry me that far and back in the 4 quarters it takes to complete a football game. He believed her and I was grounded. A year or so later she convinced my dad that I was "promiscuous" so she took me to get birth control, which I flat out refused even though she kept me out of school to go and even had me in the health department. My dad believed her. It's not that he didn't believe me, he just believed her when she said "it's just in case, for her own protection." A year or so later she lied to him again which caused a huge fight between she and I in the middle of the kitchen which almost made us come to blows. That's what she does. That's who she is. Do you ever stop and think about all her sicknesses? Why is it that she is always more sick than daddy, had whatever the neighbor had, or had the worst illness that was going around? Didn't you ever see that all she wanted was attention and for people to feel sorry for her? I saw first hand how she is when she lived with me. She claims to be allergic to everything yet she's able to take medicines that she's supposedly allergic to with no reaction? She claims she will die if she takes morphine yet that's what they gave her in the ER? She claims to be allergic to a million and ten things yet when the doctors/nurses don't tell her what she's taking, she's perfectly fine? Why do you think it is she would constantly lie about her illness? Why would she call her own SISTER telling her she had cancer and she only had 6 months to live? Even her sister didn't believe her (btw, I have proof of that in messages that went back and forth between her sister and I) and called me to find out what was going on. Why would someone do that? Ooooh, yeah, that was over a year ago so I guess the doctors were wrong! For over a month straight I had to take care of her as if she was a vegetable. I never thought someone could be as malicious as she is/was during that time. I cannot even begin to describe the things that I did for her, it would leave you all hugging the toilet or at the very least gagging behind your computer screens. I did it not b/c I like her but b/c she was my father's wife. She has diabetes and has to take shots yet the entire 5 months while they were at my house I saw her maybe take her medicine a dozen times. For ALL her sicknesses she had, she would barely take her medicine. The straw that broke the camels back and made her want to leave my house so badly, I honestly believe, was when daddy started catching on to her. While in the hospital she would tell us that the doctors were giving her all this pain medicine. I would ask the nurse and the nurse would tell me exactly what they were giving her, the strongest being immodium AD. Come to find out, she was eating Xanex or another pain pill that she had in her purse that belonged to daddy. There was even a bottle of morphine that disappeared. I would push daddy straight out of her hospital room to the nurses station where we would have to ask them what's wrong and what is she taking just to find out the truth of her illness. The way she made it seem, it was always 10 times worse than what it really was. The biggest lie being she had cancer. She did not, does not, and is still living (and lying) to this day! The medicine that she had for herself was enough to fill up a carry on size bag if you were to board a plane. In fact, it was probably more but she didn't bring it all with her when she came to stay with me. Daddy's was the same way. Half the medicine he had he did not need. Every time I would discuss taking him to a doctor here to have a full physical, she would argue with me and convince him he didn't need it. WHY??? As his WIFE she should want to see if maybe ONE doctor, instead of a dozen, could look at his records and look at him and see if maybe a doctor missed something or maybe a doctor added more to his chart than necessary since they're all about money anyway! But she didn't. It was bad enough to the point that I asked a nurse to please check him for poisoning as it just didn't make sense with his illnesses!

You all can take this how you will. Did I call the bitch out? I abso-freaking-lutely DID! To this day she has continued to lie, to manipulate, to cheat and steal. She has people believing her lies and she has had a hand in ruining so many lives that it's not even funny. If you read this, and you are offended and don't believe it, then I'm sorry about your choices but I would prefer you to just go ahead and don't bother contacting me again. I'm tired of the people who can't see the truth. I'm tired of people believing her lies when they KNOW deep down that it's BS! This is how it will be:

I would have NEVER EVER done anything to hurt my daddy and I have never wanted anything except what was best for HIM. It's SAD that his FAMILY believes something other than the truth. THIS, ladies and gentlemen, is the truth. I understand that by posting this I will lose "friends" and I will more than likely lose people that I consider family b/c they are HER family, but this is the truth of who she is. This is what people do NOT see behind the scene. This is what I've seen my entire life that has been hidden from the outside world. THIS, is what my daddy was beginning to see.