I bet you thought you were off the hook now, huh?? It's been a while since I've felt like I REALLY had something to say to you worthy enough to write about...but trust me, there's still a lot of thoughts of you in my head on a daily basis.
Today, my thought's for you aren't great ones and I'm going to tell you why. honestly, I can't even blame just you. I allowed myself to stay in a situation thinking "tomorrow will be better"...and you'd dangle a pretty heart shaped sliver of hope in front of my love sick eyes and I'd REALLY believe the bullshit and stay.
In my mind, I was so determined to teach my girls how to be independent and in a way I was doing that. But on the flip side, I was showing them that it's ok to stay in an unhealthy relationship...We were good until we weren't...then we were good again then we weren't. What we had was amazing at times then the most toxic environment that myself didn't deserve to be in. I didn't deserve it and you didn't deserve it b/c clearly you were not happy. Perhaps I wasn't in the right mind then to understand that as I do today. Idk but I know that everybody deserves to be happy, and my children deserve the best of both parents regardless. Again, not sure how that whole situation would have turned out had you not done that dumb shit you did, but here we are.
I want to tell you that I try super hard to NOT speak about bad times with you in front of my girls. Melissa already barely remembers you and I want to make her believe that she had a great father b/c she deserves having that, even if I have to make it up. But today we were on the way to drop madi off at school and somehow your name came up and I mentioned one of the times you moved out and Melissa didn't know what I was talking about. I asked her if she remembered you moving into the mancave and she said no. I asked Madi and she said yes she did. I asked Melissa if she remembered any of the times you moved out and she said no, but again, Madi said she remembered. I asked Madi about the time we got lost in the woods on the four wheelers and she giggled and said yes she remembers. I asked if she remembered you losing your phone and her voice lowered and her smile disappeared and she said yes, she remembered that too. She knew what I was referring to which is why she instantly stopped smiling. It was at that point that I realized that she is damaged...WE caused our little girl to be damaged and have trauma memories and I hate that. I hate that she remembers you being drunk and screaming b/c you couldn't find your phone..or the time you stumbled in the front door and into our room while you fell against our bedroom door and left a big mud mark on it that I kept there for a long time after you died b/c my trauma bonded mind didn't want to lose you completely. I was grasping onto any memories with you; even the bad ones.
I apologized to my 12 yr old daughter today b/c I stayed in a relationship that was entirely unhealthy for me AND for my children! I apologized to my 12 yr old duaghter today b/c I want her to know that we do NOT accept that in any relationships we may find ourselves in. I apologized to her b/c i don't want her to grow up to be the type of woman who thinks she is not important enough to be in a happy and secure relationship. I apologized to her for YOU. I didn't need to tell her the reason why I was apologizing, she knew. She asked me why I was apologizing when it wasn't my fault. Man my heart hurt in that moment. I was apologzing b/c I subjected my children to that and left them in that environment to see it....and today, that really pisses me off.
Today's chapter is about how much I don't like you right now...and how much I dislike myself right now.
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